by Nancy Ross

I used to think the most difficult, rewarding and important job in the world was raising children. Since I have made it relatively unscathed into my grand parenting years, I am looking back and wondering if I want to shift my position on that a little.  Maybe what is even more difficult is keeping an intimate, alive, growing, satisfying, and passionate relationship with an adult partner for 30 or more years! Can you imagine 64 years with the same person? If done in a mindful, intentional, conscious, and creative way there is potential for an incredibly satisfying and safe lifetime with a soul mate. A pretty wonderful scene to look back on when we transition into the next world. 

The day is actually just around the corner when your children will be on their own. Right now it may feel like forever before you can call your life your own again. Nonetheless, the amazing speed of time catches us off guard again and again.  What will your life look like and feel like without children to focus on?  What will the two of you have created together over the years to fill in the space where children have been claiming almost every moment, awake or asleep?

Often what is left is two people who loved each other passionately at one time but no longer know how to talk to each other. It takes intentionality and mindfulness throughout all the years of your journey together to maintain the intimacy, connection, safety and excitement you both deserve.

The job of parenting can be significantly eased if two committed, mindful, and wise adults creatively set about to keep the relationship between you a loving and safe place for everyone. Unwittingly you both came into your current relationship feeling that you pretty well knew what being married and having children would be like. But I suspect over the years, you have seldom talked about that with each other. Unfortunately,we often times forget to talk with each other about what really matters.

So, here you are, two perfectly fine people who fell in love and who seldom talk to each other about life. What do you expect your life together will look like 10,15, 20 years from now? It makes sense if you have some unexpected and annoying feelings of disappointment, sadness, maybe some resentment or discontent.

Clearly we ALL need  someone to help guide and teach us how to be in a lasting relationship.  Seldom have we been taught or has anyone really talked to any of us about how to co-create happiness. We all deserve a life with a partner that blooms and thieves, not just survives.  I really am talking about a Blooming Relationship.  

In my mind, keeping the relationship of your dreams from becoming the nightmare of your life is a huge job. Children grow up and leave home. You and your partner have to figure out what to do with the rest of your lives. Probably about 20 years spent with the children. Forty or more years ahead is a very long time, especially if you are not happy.

I have a few suggestions for helping you to keep your relationship precious and healthy throughout your lifetime together, however many years that may be.

Five Aids to a Blooming Relationship

1. Take 2 to 3 minutes every single day, never fail, to mindfully tell each other one thing you appreciate about what your partner said or did in the last 24 hours. Simply say, " I appreciate that you......" and tell them. Always in the positive, NEVER in the negative.  Negative will be received by your partner as blaming and shaming and that pushes away the very person you most want to come close.
2. Always make "I" statements. Focusing on what your partner has done wrong simply sets up an opportunity for a fight, for them to run away, or to withdraw from you. The very connection you deeply and innately long for is broken if there is blame, criticism or judgment. No one can force someone else to hang around and listen to hurtful words being said to them. You can welcome your partner and make it safe them them to come closer if you talk about yourself and the effect something has had on you in a welcoming voice.
3. See yourself as your partner's teacher, healer and friend. See your partner as your teacher, healer and friend. No enemies here! Only two people valiantly trying to do the best they can. Support each other, learn from one another, accept each other's differences, and be open to sharing kindly with each other when you disagree. Both of you are right, even in a disagreement. When you are invested in making one of you wrong, it becomes blaming. To bypass blame, you need more information. So commit to asking each other for more information: "Please help me understand why you feel the way you do. And let me tell you why I feel the way I do so we can both understand each other's point of view."
4. Create in your mind and write down on paper, the relationship of your dreams.  Regularly talk with each other about those dreams. Remember that dreams are a journey in progress. They are to be co-created. Dreams bring energy, joy, and hope into a relationship. Having a shared dream makes getting up each morning worth while.
5. Plan romantic surprises and have special, unexpected date nights. Passion, aliveness, laughter, surprises, all bring connection and help create safe feelings between you. A great big unexpected belly laugh will literally produce hormones that help you relax, feel safer, and keep you in warm, intimate connection. Give yourselves permission to play, be silly, take time out and have fun together.

YOU take the first step, now! Don't wait. Do it because you will like yourself better when you focus on the positive and when you choose to make it safe for the two of you to come closer rather than move further away. You will be surprised and delighted to feel the tiny little changes. Those tiny little changes will grow, bloom and blossom, eventually becoming the relationship of your dreams.