OH, MY, THE PAIN!

He comes from a culture and a family that has taught him and modeled for him male distance and male importance. Men's time matters. Work, play, friends, attention, needs, plans, hopes, he has every reason to believe he can have it all, have it all often, and have a family of his own as well.

She comes from a culture and family that taught her she isn't very special or important, she can expect small bits and pieces from friends and family, and everything she works for and wants can be taken away in a moment's time.

He has an important job that makes good money. He does extra work to assure he and his family can have special things. She chooses to be at home with the twins and the baby. Both are tired, lonely, shut down emotionally and afraid. They have been married for ten years and are relatively new to this country.

He felt exhausted, unseen, unappreciated, and in need of attention. She felt exhausted, unseen, unappreciated, and in need of attention. He made an emotionally intimate but not sexual connection with an old girl friend from high school. She made a sexually intimate connection with a new male friend from the neighbourhood.

Both are furious with the other. Both see themselves as justified, and find themselves unable to forgive, forget, let go, or move on. The only way out either see is divorce. With 3 children, two boys who are 4 years old and an eighteen month old girl, they have at least 20 years ahead of them to co-parent. She says, "If you weren't there for us when we were married, how can I ever expect you will be when we aren't?" He says, "If you don't appreciate how hard I work, how important you are to me, how much I do for you, how can I ever trust you will include me in parenting when we are divorced?"

I would like your comments on this couple. I will share more of our progress together over time. We have been working together for a year, several months in-between sessions as they live several hundred miles away. They currently do not live together. I will share what we have done, what we hope to do, and our successes and failures. They have, by the way, given me permission to share their story. None of us knows if it has a happy ending. I expect only the children will really be able to tell us, 30 years or more from now.

Comments please. Warmly, Nancy Ross

I WILL LEAD THE PARADE, LAUGHING!

When I pass over from the physical to the non-physical, I know I will be met by legions of well wishers, loved ones, ancestors, teachers, guides, angels, the whole slew. And I will lead the parade laughing! I will laugh out loud at myself. On and on----I don't understand time, but time won't matter. The heavens will echo my laughter and we will all know the joke and take great pleasure in sharing it together: I didn't need to make this life so difficult. Never did I need to angst, anguish, fret, and stew to this extent. I exhaust myself with worry. They aren't laughing at me. But we certainly will all laugh together. What an enormous joke I have played on myself!

I will laugh with pleasure, joy, and pure bliss when I release this physical body and return to the non-physical. And I know I will also pause for a few moments of sorrow. I will grieve that I forgot what I knew when I first came here. I spent endless hours being afraid, needlessly. I always knew there is nothing to be afraid of. Why did I let myself forget? Better yet, why do I constantly continue to let myself forget? This isn't a once in a life-time forgetting occurrence here. I have perpetual mind slippage.

I fear poverty. I look around me and see beauty and abundance. I hear music, laughter and loving voices. I see my puppy: pure innocence. This sweet little one who never for a moment doubts she is loved and safe. Man! If my puppy knows she is safe, what makes me loose trust that I am safe? Can't I be as loved, as precious, as vulnerable, desirable, and valuable as a precious puppy? If I can love Aimee unconditionally, and know she loves me unconditionally, why do I find it so difficult to believe a source greater than I am could love me, keep me safe, protect me, give me all I want, wish for, need, and deserve?

I started to say because I am dumb. But I don't even have that as an excuse. I'm not dumb. But I am human. This human condition! I chose what I wanted to focus on. I can shed the physical when I am well learned and ready for the non-physical again.

I find that exciting and empowering. I get to do what I want to do. I even get to angst, anguish, and stew if I want to do that. Last night at my Abraham group I really saw the metaphor of paddling up stream. I have emotionally and physically worn myself out by paddling up stream. I am not even going to turn the canoe around. I am just going to stop paddling. Maybe I'll drop the oars. I could watch them float ahead of me, down the stream of life. All the rest will be done for me.

I DO NOT HAVE TO WORK SO HARD! I DO NOT HAVE A DEBT I OWE! There is NOTHING that I do not deserve to have if I want to have it. Nothing. Aimee deserves the very best life possible. Never has she done a thing to not deserve. She is total love, total innocence. If she is, surely I can be as well.

IMPORTANT LESSONS ABOUT LIFE AIMEE, THE MOST ADORABLE PUPPY ON THE PLANT, HAS TAUGHT ME:

*** How to fall asleep-- Step 1) Turn around in a full circle 3 times, 2) curl up in a tight ball, 3) sigh really, really BIG, 4) fall asleep!

*** How to make, and keep, friends-- Step 1) Pick the right and perfect toy that will intice that paricular friend, 2) Put it in front of that person where they can not possibly miss it, 3) move around as the friend tries to evade you, 3) make cute little throat sounds that are something like, "ummph, rummmpgh", 4) keep trying, you will NEVER get what you want if you give up! 5) be totally persistant until the friend gives in and agrees to play, 6) grrrr happily when friend sucombs, 7) wrape your warm, cuddly body around the friend's legs, 7) sigh blissfully.

More later. NAR