OH, MY, THE PAIN!
He comes from a culture and a family that has taught him and modeled for him male distance and male importance. Men's time matters. Work, play, friends, attention, needs, plans, hopes, he has every reason to believe he can have it all, have it all often, and have a family of his own as well.
She comes from a culture and family that taught her she isn't very special or important, she can expect small bits and pieces from friends and family, and everything she works for and wants can be taken away in a moment's time.
He has an important job that makes good money. He does extra work to assure he and his family can have special things. She chooses to be at home with the twins and the baby. Both are tired, lonely, shut down emotionally and afraid. They have been married for ten years and are relatively new to this country.
He felt exhausted, unseen, unappreciated, and in need of attention. She felt exhausted, unseen, unappreciated, and in need of attention. He made an emotionally intimate but not sexual connection with an old girl friend from high school. She made a sexually intimate connection with a new male friend from the neighbourhood.
Both are furious with the other. Both see themselves as justified, and find themselves unable to forgive, forget, let go, or move on. The only way out either see is divorce. With 3 children, two boys who are 4 years old and an eighteen month old girl, they have at least 20 years ahead of them to co-parent. She says, "If you weren't there for us when we were married, how can I ever expect you will be when we aren't?" He says, "If you don't appreciate how hard I work, how important you are to me, how much I do for you, how can I ever trust you will include me in parenting when we are divorced?"
I would like your comments on this couple. I will share more of our progress together over time. We have been working together for a year, several months in-between sessions as they live several hundred miles away. They currently do not live together. I will share what we have done, what we hope to do, and our successes and failures. They have, by the way, given me permission to share their story. None of us knows if it has a happy ending. I expect only the children will really be able to tell us, 30 years or more from now.
Comments please. Warmly, Nancy Ross
She comes from a culture and family that taught her she isn't very special or important, she can expect small bits and pieces from friends and family, and everything she works for and wants can be taken away in a moment's time.
He has an important job that makes good money. He does extra work to assure he and his family can have special things. She chooses to be at home with the twins and the baby. Both are tired, lonely, shut down emotionally and afraid. They have been married for ten years and are relatively new to this country.
He felt exhausted, unseen, unappreciated, and in need of attention. She felt exhausted, unseen, unappreciated, and in need of attention. He made an emotionally intimate but not sexual connection with an old girl friend from high school. She made a sexually intimate connection with a new male friend from the neighbourhood.
Both are furious with the other. Both see themselves as justified, and find themselves unable to forgive, forget, let go, or move on. The only way out either see is divorce. With 3 children, two boys who are 4 years old and an eighteen month old girl, they have at least 20 years ahead of them to co-parent. She says, "If you weren't there for us when we were married, how can I ever expect you will be when we aren't?" He says, "If you don't appreciate how hard I work, how important you are to me, how much I do for you, how can I ever trust you will include me in parenting when we are divorced?"
I would like your comments on this couple. I will share more of our progress together over time. We have been working together for a year, several months in-between sessions as they live several hundred miles away. They currently do not live together. I will share what we have done, what we hope to do, and our successes and failures. They have, by the way, given me permission to share their story. None of us knows if it has a happy ending. I expect only the children will really be able to tell us, 30 years or more from now.
Comments please. Warmly, Nancy Ross
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