GO OUT ON A LIMB WITH NANCY!

There are some questions I am often asked that you might want to think about. Most couples come to me in what I call the Power Struggle Stage. I am often asked before hand what tips I might have for them. First and foremost I strongly suggest that when you and your partner find yourself yelling, fuming, steaming or otherwise ready to pop, that you------

1) BREATHE!! The power of a ten second breath can not be overestimated. Inhale, exhale, pause, inhale----again. Truly. This slows down the reaction. What you are doing is being defensive and protective.

2) Your partner IS NOT your enemy. BREATHE and remember that! Under that anger is hurt, sadness, pain, disappointment, shame. Anger is protecting you and you need to create TOGETHER enough safety that you no longer feel a need for protection.

3) You are BOTH right! There is no bad guy here.

4) There is room for differences in every relationship. When you get stuck in "I am right and you are wrong"; stuck in "I am out of here if you believe THAT when I really do KNOW that it wasn't like that AT ALL!" When you get stuck in that, what is missing is information. If you will listen to each other. You will be able to realize that there is more going on here than meets the eye.

5) An interesting piece of very important information: the Power Struggle is GOOD NEWS!!! It means the relationship is doing exactly what it is supposed to be doing: bringing up feelings from long ago that need to be felt, seen, understood, and heard in order to heal.

6) When things get tough, remember to breathe, to share, and to stay connected. Remember the loving times and know you can be there again.

7) Come see me. I have an Imago Intensive, read about it on my web. It could really be helpful.