I’m in a weird state of consciousness. It feels much like living outside myself and looking at the world through a telescope. Or maybe like looking at the trees and foliage, the road, the lake in front of me, with a thin veil between me and that world. Not fully here and definitely not there yet. I don’t know how to enter what is on the other side of a life I continue to cling to today… and tomorrow and the next day. I don’t know how to let go of what I had for so long in Canada so as to make possible the embracing of a new life. That veil is thin , easy to penetrate, tough while also very fragile. Today I only know how tough it is.
I think that might be it. I can not quite enter my new world. I’m stuck. I hover, trying to grasp onto something, trying to make sense out of life as it has become, when actually so much of me still lives elsewhere. My daughter Lisa thinks it takes at least 2 years to snuggle in and take charge and find comfort in a world of new and different. At that rate I may well go crazy before I arrive here! Or die of boredom in my isolation as I take the time I need to integrate and assimilate.
I sip a cool drink from a crystal glass I got while in Hungry several years ago. I nibble on Swiss cheese I bought in a small Amish village down the road a piece from where I now live. Blending my worlds, conscious and unconscious. I have all of my furniture as of a few days ago. Half of what I live with I brought from Toronto with me when I moved to Michigan last fall. The other half I bought here so as to change it up a bit: not all new, but neither all brought with me from before.
That is what it has come down to isn’t it!! Before……and now. Toronto….. and Kalamazoo. Here……and there. Thin veil that takes it own sweet time to float away and leave me able to embrace what my eyes want me to see right now. Not my mind to remember, or my soul to long for. The true for today.
What is new for you today that you are having a difficult time embracing or moving into or accepting??? Be kind to your self. Be gentle and accepting. We all have our own process and our own timing. If you let go of resistance and simply follow you….wherever you may go…..you WILL come out on the other side, whole, complete, and ready to begin yet again. Make some lists: 1) what I want to leave behind; 2) what I prefer to not leave behind but will because it is best for me; 3) what I take with me; 4) what I welcome that is new. Share your list with someone dear. Let yourself be seen, ask for understanding and love as you choose to accept something new for yourself.
- I am grateful for time and opportunity to stumble and fumble
through my current life space
- I am grateful for warm spring weather
- I am grateful for neighbours who are reaching out, friendly and not intrusive.
- I am grateful that I continue to search, to grow, to learn and to rejoice.
- I am grateful for a life worth living.
Hugs, blessings and love, Nancy