I have no regrets.
When we received the diagnosis that Clo, my life partner of 23 years, had terminal cancer, friends frequently said to me, just do the time you have together with no regrets. Be conscious and aware, always, that you DO want to do or say thus and such, or you DO NOT what to say or do whatever might be on offer at the moment.
“At the moment.” “No regrets.”
Huge. Big. Significant.
At this moment, I have no regrets. I did the selling and buying of houses just right: right timing, right choices, right way of accomplishing it all. Choosing to live with my friend Mary until my home is ready was the perfect choice. Taking my time and slowly finding my way in a once familiar setting (because I lived here in Pduring the years of child raising) is right and perfect. Letting Aimee, the smartest and cutest 12 year old puppy on the planet, settle and find a routine that suits her is working just fine.
And still….still I am unsettled. You know, I think there are those of us who have trouble living in the moment. That is very unfortunate, sad, and disappointing. Really!! Every moment of my life, your life, matters. Every moment is precious, sacred, special, a mystery, has potential for magic. No moment deserves to be less than another; no moment should be wrong, without merit, diminished or minimized in any way.
I can remember saying: WHEN I am in the next grade at school….WHEN we are married…..WHEN the baby is born…..WHEN I have a professional job….the bedroom is painted….the winter ends….the kids are grown up….on and on. Always WHEN. All to often forgetting NOW. This moment.
No regrets. In the last few moments I have been thinking: when I am in my own home I will have more energy. When I am no longer in transition I will lighten up and stop feeling heavy and tired…..
You know what I mean? Do you do some of that as well?
It is not helpful. Thinking WHEN only adds to the burden of the now. Thinking NOW lets me see the absolute beauty of this amazing autumn we have been having. Thinking NOW helps me feel profoundly the love that surrounds me, the hope for aliveness and joy.
I spoke some blogs ago about bringing Grace and Good Will with me to Michigan. Living in the NOW, staying in this very moment pulling both Grace and Good Will close to me. We can hold each other tight and listen to the wisdom we have to share with each other. Grace gives me patience as I await finances to be settled between US and Canada. Good Will encourages to me open my heart further to new adventures, to creating other routine, to learning what is there for me to embrace in a way I have never before known.