Two nights with a quarter of a pill. Last night was hopeful. Not drugged today. Weird state of consciousness. But hopeful. Life has been honed down to basic survival: brush teeth, make bed, shower or wash up, dress, eat, walk Aimee, let Apollo out mid day to relieve himself, listen to NPR, stretch legs, write if possible, begin to prepare to quiet down and let go so sleep will happen. Not good enough, but the best it is at the moment.
I want to talk about almost total focus on self for a moment. What a struggle for those of us who have learned that accomplishing, goals, mission, contributing, helping, giving, all matter for living in our daily world. Those of us who believe to be selfish means taking from others, when giving to others is what we are meant to be doing. I think of the image of giving oxygen to self before giving to those in need around us should there be a need for oxygen while on an airplane.
If your inner resources are limited, if you don’t have what you need for yourself, you will be worthless to others who are counting on you. Think about it: when was the last time you had a massage? Can you remember having a pedicure? Have you taken a meditative walk in the woods lately? Gone to a workshop on play or humour? Dance, drumming, silence, exploring your inner spirit self…..
The ones counting on you to keep them safe and hold them when the going gets tough need you to refresh and recreate yourself. You can’t give what you haven’t got, no matter how badly you want to. Even if you think you can. Energetically the ones you want to give to can feel your lack of presence.
I intend to once again be available to do my precious, sacred work with couples and families with adult children. But until I can sleep at night, I still have inner work that needs to be addressed and I will not be able to give all that I ultimately want to offer. My integrity will be compromised. And that lack can be felt in the energy passed between myself and those around me.
The same is true for you. Forget selfish and focus on yourself until you have enough for you and enough left over to give away with your whole heart. Our own healing and growing must be taken seriously. Believe me, if we don’t volunteer to do it, it will pop up and scare us to almost death, whether we want to face our shadow self or not.
Don’t forget gratitudes. Noting what is positive in your life, even when it feels like shit, is part of taking care of yourself.
- I am grateful for not drugged sleep last night
- I am grateful for the luxury of time to get my stuff together
- I am grateful for a home I am coming to love
- I am grateful for medical support and care
- I am grateful I am especially conscious about eating healthy
- I am grateful for supportive friends
- I am grateful to be alive
Blessings and love, Nancy