The sun is shining. Blessed be. It looks like spring. I have seen 2 robins so far. It is cold….and windy and….the sun is shining and I can see blue sky. Wondrous.
My heart has been racing waaaaay too fast, as it is wont to do. I have a rather long history of this. It beats like I have run a marathon…..ALL of the time. Enough to wear a body and soul out. I’ve been seeing a couple of very wonderful doctors. I have nothing but praise thus far for the Kalamazoo medical world: kind, organized, thorough, on time, generous, informed, helpful, and at my age, not expensive. Younger folks have a more difficult time.
That is wrong and I am sorry. I am exceedingly grateful for the opportunities my age give me: freedom to do my day at my pace, luxury to sleep in or take a nap or read, time to integrate my life in its entirety, introspection and thoughtfulness about where to from here? I have the time and wisdom to embrace a spiritual vision that gives me peace and relief.
I am literally facing my mortality. My heart can not tolerate the pace it is going. The doctors and I must find relief for my very core self. Each time I receive yet another intervention I understand that there may not be yet something else that can be done next time. Thus I ask myself, “Where to from here? What comes next? If anything.”
I just read Dan Brown’s most recent book Origin. In it he asks, “Where did we come from? And where are we going next?” He has some interesting things to say about that. Nothing new as I see it. But enough about possibilities to allow for thoughtfulness and discussion. We all know that everything/life, is energy. And I suspect most of us know there is energy greater than any one of us. Together our collective energy is powerful, amazing, huge, and a mystery. At least as I see it.
I call the energy that is greater than I am, that is greater than the collective consciousness, that is more than I know or understand, God. Because I do not have any other name for it. I don’t personalize that word. What I know is when I focus and concentrate, when I go inward and pull together all of my resources, when I seek and attempt and love and am open, something mysterious and often remarkable seems to happen.
When my heart goes out of rhythm, beats way too fast, sends my blood pressure very high, I get anxious, frightened, think of “what next….what is there for me that I can trust and believe in?” Something seems to happen. I am searching for words and I do not have them yet. Today the something that happened is my arrhythmia doctor said what is next is more of the same, and my anxiety has settled.
I find it a challenge to balance my need for the world of medicine and my belief that I am somehow in charge of my own body and soul. Maybe that is it, actually, as I write this. Indeed, I am in charge of my soul. And I need help with my body.
Does my search make sense to anyone else? Do you have the answers? Are you curious? Do you worry or wonder or ask questions of someone else? Each time I hit the wall, and I have done so dozens of times over the last 10 years (my heart issues first hit me hard in 2007) I come away a tiny bit more reassured. More hopeful. And I find a bit more peace with the great mysteries of life.
I don’t come away with answers. Just hope. And always a very clear vision that at the bottom of everything, there is love. Love that can be trusted. Love that can be counted on. Love that can heal, sustain, help us move forward. When I surround myself with love: the love of people, my own feelings of love, the love I find in nature; when I remind myself of all of that and feel myself being held in the arms of love, that is when I know whatever it is that comes next, I am attempting to prepare for it.
I’d like to hear where you are going in your soul’s search. What do you wonder? What makes you curious, or frightens you or gives you solace? How do you sooth or comfort yourself when you are faced with your vulnerability or fragility or mortality?
My hope is, like me, you are learning to surround yourself with soft whispers of love and kindness. I hope you are finding ways to trust your own intuition and to find answers to whatever questions occur to you. Talk to each other. Share your soul’s journey. That is what we are here for: to share, connect, to teach and to learn. And to remember that underneath everything we face every day, there is love.
Hugs always, Nancy