March 29, 2018

How can I function with a head full of fog and bricks? Light headed with fatigue, dizzy with the clouds of undigested stuff that has not been processed properly for more than 2 weeks, I am suffering from lack of sleep.

Fifteen years ago, following the death of my father, I received a prescription for sleeping aid. Every night since then I have taken my little blue pill and mostly have slept decently. I can not get prescribed sleeping aid on an ongoing basis, which very probably is as it should be, in the US. And I am paying a huge price for taking it so long, and an even bigger price as I stop using it now.

It affects my life every hour of every day and night. My focus is on staying awake during the day so I can sleep at night. It isn’t working. Two nights ago I slept rather well. Last night was awful except for Aimee’s always present comfort. Sometimes she smothers me with  her closeness at night. Last night she loved and soothed me, albeit to no success. Sleep simply did not cover me in grace much of the night. Thanks to Aimee’s persistent body presence and compassion I didn’t tighten up and fight back, but I also did not receive relief by sinking into the renewal of peaceful dreaming.

Blessed be to the angels above, the faeries of dreams, the holders of renewal, all I know to do  is duke it out…..I suspect for about a month. And then I don’t know what awaits me on the other side??  My move from Toronto to Kalamazoo has aged me, literally, about 15 years. I pray I come out of this a new woman with some youth and vigour still available.

I think my message today is to ask you to open your heart to your own and others addictions.  Listen to their story….WHY?….what was the addiction intending initially to cover or hide? In my case, the anxiety and uncertainty at the loss of my father. Always steady, a very kind man, smart, thoughtful, gentle. Life without him felt very bleak and because my mother could not face life without him, it took her mind away from us as well. Looking back that does not feel like a good enough reason. At the time it felt like the only solution.

There is always a reason, whatever our behavior might be. Maybe not a good enough reason, however at the time it feels like all we can do. Forgive yourself, forgive your  loved one, forgive the homeless or helpless or aging person. Listen for the story and share your compassion. For yourself and for all others. Our stories matter, need to be heard, and can have a new ending with love and support and understanding, from self as well as others.

I suggest you give someone you  love an extra hug this evening. Tell them you understand, whatever it may be, and stretch into knowing love holds us all, change can happen, we all have a story that deserves to be told.

Gratitudes:

  • I am grateful I have the luxury of time to see my way through this huge physical change in my life.
  • I am grateful my head has cleared a bit today after some time out door in the cool air walking with Aimee: sweetest almost 13 year old puppy on the planet.
  • I am grateful I have healthy food on hand, do not have to shop for groceries, and am preparing and eating well.
  • I am grateful my leg no longer hurts and my heart is  holding steady.
  • I am very grateful I have long hours, long days, alone and do not have to answer to anyone.
  • Love always, Nancy

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