In Gratitude for the Wisdom to Search My Soul

I am extraordinarily sad. I seem to not, at the moment at least, have words or know the words to describe or explain that sadness to myself. My life is good and I am doing what I want to be I? What would I want to be doing that I am not or could not if I tried?

There is a depth of soul, there is an inside me that is searching for words, that has feelings and does not know how to express those feelings. There is a world I long to have expression for, that I search and try, that I call out to, and would welcome if I could only grasp it and clutch it to me, make it mine, hold on to that world that I know but don't know.

I want to be smarter. I want to be wiser, not more clever, but I want to be able to understand divinity, the sacred, a source greater than anything I currently know but believe, want to believe, long to believe is waiting for me to understand. IT'S name is not God, or god; IT very probably has no name. Or,quite possibly IT is what I only know how to name as LOVE.
I want to know more about what LOVE means. What it means to me, but more than that, what does LOVE mean to a world that is in so very much distress? Being loved surrounds me and opportunities for me to express my love are everywhere. Yet the longing persists. It appears to me that there is a soul emptiness that most all of us carry around much of the time. I am not even certain I can name times when I think we put down that boulder and feel the relief of freedom to love, to rejoice, to find peace and harmony. 

Last night I spent time with several people who laughed, danced, sang, talked, asked questions, listened, shared food and drink. And as I reflect back over those hours spent together I intuit an underlining desperation that I suspect is familiar to all of us. I think as we stumble along in our attempts to live a good life and find peace of soul, we cling together for moments at a time and there is relief, or forgetting, or freedom, for now at least, for this moment. And that is a very good thing. It refreshes, helps to heal, gives reason for moving forward, is a unexpected gift of divinity that makes daily life pleasant. Or if not pleasant, certainly doable. 

Is it the human condition, maybe especially as we realize the last decades of our life, to reflect, speculate, question, seek, explore, search, long for answers and for hope and for more? I think so. I think the sadness I feel this morning is meant to be. I think it is a wise sadness that realizes there is so very much I don't know, so very much for me to learn and accept and receive and there is a huge part of me that wonders if I know how to learn and accept and receive....oh, so very much of me that wonders.

My soul searching was blessedly interrupted by son in law Robert stopping by. What a wonderful gift he is!! Helped me shift gears and got some tech stuff sorted for me. Oh dear. Human contact, yes love and regard, it all matters. It gives meaning and purpose to live. That is what I moved from Toronto to Kalamazoo for and that is what I have. I am still sad. But, if such can be true, it is a happy sad. Or at least a relieved sad. 

Try simply letting the time flow, unfold before, do what it may, when life feels challenging. You might be surprised what happens. You very well might even like what happens. Be open for the unknown and trust, have faith that good is waiting for you to recognize. Love, good, hope, faith and today I want to add grace. You may remember from past writings how much I admire and appreciate grace. I think she entered my world this morning with the unexpected arrival of dear Robert and the love and connection he brought with him.

I am grateful for time to sort myself out
I am grateful for the desire and wisdom to sort myself out and begin to find my truth
I am grateful for a life that often surprises me and most always works out in my favor as long as I welcome what is on offer
I am grateful for friend Mary who shared her social life with me last night and friend Dawn with whom I will be sharing food tomorrow

Hugs and love always, Nancy


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