In Deepest Gratitude for Choices I Have Made

Ahhhh.  Blessed be!  I HAVE to write. No idea what I want to say…..but I MUST share my soul, my heart, my core. I must feel seen, I must find connection. I must leave my retreat space, my hut, my cave of protection and distance, and come out into this bright new world I am now a part of, not yet a part of, trying to belong to…..

For me change has to come from the inside first. My insides have to find a new rut, a new way to be; my inside self needs to move past feeling vulnerable and uncertain and be able to lead with a confidence I haven’t yet integrated but do remember from a time not so very far in the past…maybe only a few weeks ago, certainly only months ago at least.

I sit at my friend Mary’s round glass kitchen table, classical music playing from son-in-law Robert’s blue tooth he lent me, hot coffee I have only just begun to make again, Aimee still sleeping on my as yet to be made bed, looking at the sun shining on the smooth silver and gray lake outside the sliding glass doors to Mary’s back yard. Slowly I am beginning to emotionally and spiritually move my body, mind and soul into a new world.

Mine is not the terror, the enormous loss, the life sucking horror of a miss placed person, a person forced from home and country, someone who has lost their home and life as they have always known it because of war or flood or fire or random shooting, or some other monstrous disaster. Mine is a decision I made and have been planning and creating for about 2 years. I have actually been in control if you will. Nonetheless, it is taking time to find who I am in this setting. It took me 30 years to find ME while in Toronto. I no longer have the luxury of 30 years, but I will at the very least give myself 30 days.

I am understanding via personal experience, the phenomena of familiarity literally shoveling out ruts in our brain. I am learning the feeling of familiar sights, sounds, events, rituals that get craved into our brain and contribute hugely to our sense of well-being. Familiar may hurt, it may be uncomfortable, it may even be destructive, cruel, unnecessary; but when that rut of familiarity gets a solid grip on our brain, we are drawn back to those memories and what were once constants, and we are in distress if not actually self annihilating mode. The same goes for the loss of good norms. Normally I would……walk in the cemetery with Aimee, write each morning my gratitudes, listen all day long to classical music, see a friend/colleague every Tues, morning……

Bad memories need to be replaced via practice and grim determination. And good memories need to be re-created in some doable manner. Slowly, as the old ruts begin to smooth over, lessen in depth, get emotional distance, new ones are created. And stasis is restored.  Harmony returns. Trust and the beginning of feeling safe is being built.

Always, always be patient and gentle with yourself, please. There is no shame in being frightened, uncertain, non-trusting, even suspicious when faced with uncertainty and the unknown.  Give yourself the time you need to begin to dig out new ruts in your brain and to let your soul catch up with whatever it might be that you are facing. Maybe your relationship is struggling, maybe a new job, a move of house, a loss of friend or family, an illness, a natural disaster, or even national chaos. Time to assimilate, a time to familiarize yourself, time for the stupid, unkind, destructive words to find their way to the trash heap.

Sometimes it feels all too slow, but underneath all of the pain lives peace and joy. We have to patiently allow for the new ruts to create themselves. For some of us it works best letting it happen from the inside out. Others need outside trust to allow for inside  peace to thrive. Either way, be intentional, believe in yourself and ultimately have faith in a world that feels so very shaky and tremulous at times.

Remember gratitudes even, especially when, you are feeling out of stasis.

I am grateful for some familiar moments this morning: writing, music, coffee, Aimee….
I am grateful for time to acclimate to a new environment
I am grateful for the help my daughter Lisa and son in law Robert are giving me
I am grateful to be able to live in my friend’s home for a few months
I am grateful for health
I am grateful for my life as I am living it
I am grateful I have had choices in how I live my life

Hugs always, Nancy


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