Can you imagine my surprise…….?
As I was sliding down the birth canal toward startlingly bright lights and the waiting hands of a total stranger whom I would never have the pleasure of knowing, I thought to myself, “Hmmm. Wait a minute! I didn’t know I would be doing this again…. so soon.”
For all intents and purposes I would call myself a non-believer. I want desperately to believe in something, but that begs to become some ONE and that feels like long white beard, robes, sandals, golden angels with gauzy see through wings. That wouldn’t be me. However!
However, there has to be a reason for that very first thought of my life. At least of this life. Of the life I am conscious of living right now. And I do believe in something….just not some ONE. I believe in beauty. I believe in kindness, love, compassion, laughter, tears, passion, anger, hurt, shame, nature. Ahhha, I believe in feelings. I believe in connection. I believe in the sharing of energy between all living beings…… And I know I am a better person when I am loving and am feeling loved.
There must be a religion somewhere in that feeling and connection space, in the shared energy that flows between all of life, nature, between ALL . The collective consciousness, Jung called it. There must be a religion where what I know to be divine lives inside of me.
I long for someone bigger, stronger, smarter to help take away my fear and shame and pain. No matter how much I beg, beseech, plead, hope, cry out….no matter how much I search for relief from outside of me, it always, always falls back on me. I get dumped with the job of sorting myself out, finding my own answers and my own way through whatever morass I have created in that moment. I’m to blame, I’m to clean it up, I’m to learn the lesson, I’m ultimately responsible for me and my behavior.
But you know what? There is a space in-between. In-between my inner divinity and the outside world there is a spiritual space and in that precious spiritual space I am learning to find Grace and Good Will. Just be still and clear your mind. Hold your breath for a nanosecond and then breathe deeply. Can you feel it? Can you sense it? Can you know the space that is bigger than self, more than one, receptive to connection…..
I want to age with Grace and Good Will: two little helpers who will guide me to a safe and spiritual death. Every day of my life I remind myself that forward movement means death. Death waits. My first thoughts as I was being born had to do with doing this again. What I do know is that everything ends. What I also know is that when there is an ending there is space for something new, a new beginning. What I don’t know is what that new beginning looks like, feels like, appears to be. What I am doing about the unknowns in my life is searching, seeking, and waiting.
I have two new friends who are willing to walk beside me, whisper in my ear, reside in my heart, and help make this part of my journey safe, even humorous sometimes, and always interesting. Excellent waiting companions.
Grace and Good Will walked into my life recently. I thought I would not be writing for awhile as I complete my preparations for moving from Toronto to Michigan. But two little imps jumped up and down in my heart and asked to go on the journey with me. Of course!! What interesting companions. What learning for me. What a delicious addition to a new and unknown life that awaits me.
Grace brings me closer to a calm peaceful place that knows no shame. Grace is poised and present and wise. She fits in with any crowd and always knows when it is time to go home….or to take a nap…..or get in the car and take a road trip. She takes a big load off my heart and keeps me pumping along sweetly.
I need Good Will to help me re-enter the US. Grace will help my smile be genuine. Good Will will let my ears listen and keep my tongue still. Good Will has already taught me that in 2 years much will change in the US hopefully, and in 4 years, who knows? Maybe a woman will be president. That would be a nice change of hormones as I see it.
Good Will is urging me to stop judging and to not criticize. He says it is important I listen and learn to understand what is behind behavior that scares me. Will tells me there is truly bad in this world and we have to be intentional about keeping self in positive and hopeful horizons. Evil exists, but Good can prevail if we are pro-active.
So much to learn! So little time! At least for now my energy has once again become my friend and is standing by to allow these next months to unfold. I will write when I am able. I would love to hear from anybody about anything…..
Let’s imagine a great big group hug. Nancy