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Somewhere In-Between the Not Knowing and the Celebration

Yesterday I felt like a blind old woman stumbling through life hoping I have been getting it right. I had Aimee groomed, I put water in the garden fountain and nurtured the Boston Fern that stands sentinel by my front door, I didn’t make soup but I did change the sheets on the bed, and I wandered around wondering what to do next.

Not long ago, just a few minutes ago I think it was, I was seeing clients, writing, walking the dog, trying to find time to feed myself, visiting friends, feeling filled with the fullness of life in Canada as I simultaneously began to weave a tapestry of life for myself in the town I raised my children in 40 years ago and to which I am soon to return.

I am closing my relationship practice.

These days I am moving away from a 36  year career I have always been very passionate about and committed to:  working with couples, individuals and families with whom I have been blessed to witness and guide through rocky waters. I am not opening myself to receiving new clients because my time here is becoming so much shorter. I am saying good-bye to dear friends who are making summer plans and whom I am unlikely to be seeing very often before autumn when I will be leaving for good myself. I struggle with a leg and foot that give me pain when I try to take my precious walks with dear Aimee and I find myself with a horrible dearth of things to do that challenge me and delight me and give me satisfaction.

Oh woe is me!!! The bane of the retired…..or at least the nearly retired. Who knew? It takes courage, creativity, thinking ahead, wondering, pondering, being curious, reaching out ( how to reach out when what is really happening is closing down?) to be a retired person. Actually, I had my suspicions hence my desire to continue the work I love even in my 80’s.

I miss providing a space of safety and love. I miss the intimacy we create together while always clear about the client/therapist boundaries, the trust we learn to expect from each other, the creativity, the mystery of being welcomed into the lives of people who have the courage and take time out of their very busy lives to share their most raw and frightened feelings with me. I miss the healing and the learning and the magic that happens when together we plumb the depths of soul, the truth of commitment, the bravery of risk taking, the equal parts joy and pain of intimacy.

All fancy words and thoughts. And all the truth as I have seen it throughout the many years that have gone by in a flash. Only three breaths ago I began this work in Kalamazoo, Michigan at St. Joseph’s Lodge where I worked in psychodrama groups with people who came to our day program with the hope of being loved and learning to love others.

My challenge today is to continue to contribute to helping myself and others learn more about love and compassion. What indeed, might that look like for me????? Whatever it looks like it will happen in Kalamazoo, Michigan and I am excited to see what together we can co-create that gives hope and faith in a future where everyone thrives fairly.

A mystery. An adventure. A conundrum. And somewhere I must find patience with myself and with the universe in this space in-between the knowing and the not knowing…..the not knowing and the wondering…..the wondering and the finding….the finding and the celebration, the harvest, the re start.

Such love and compassion I feel both for myself and all those like me who are anxiously searching for meaning……still…..Nancy

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