Shame Is Not Useful

Shame creeps up silently on rodent like paws and leaps viciously at our heart, our soul, our very essence. Shame slaughters pride and deposits lies. It is nearly always a surprise when we realize we are carrying shame on our skin and it has soaked through to take a masterful hold on our confidence and self-esteem.

Shame tells us to hide. To run. To die. To never speak, or move, or interact, or co-create again. Shame insists on being in charge and successfully blinds us to who we really are. Shame feels bad and wrong, not enough, and stupid; and he dumps that load all over us so that it takes total transcendence to overcome the shit that has been deposited. Shame is a lie, but it takes herculean powers to prove that.

Shame causes us to loose trust: in ourselves and in the world around us. It is a major mystery how swiftly shame can blow in as though a hurricane and change our world from joy and pride and pleasure to uncertainty and disappointment and doubt. Shame is masterful. And demands a master stronger, more solid, wiser, and gentler than he is.

Shame’s master must be understanding and kind and a truth teller. Anyone carrying shame in their soul will catch you if you lie to help take away that pain. Only the truth can heal the ugly wound shame leaves upon our spirit.

Shame has no boundaries: all ages,sizes, sexes, colours, traditions, religious, abilities…..are vulnerable to feeling shame. I once saw an 18 month old baby blush with shame when teased by an adult. I recently sat with an 84 year old man who wept with shame as he realized the physical and emotional pain he had dumped on his wife for more than 50 years.

The baby needed to be held and told how much he was loved and how dear he was and what a very good boy he was. The man needed to grieve for his crimes and live with the knowing until he could begin to find a way to redeem himself. Two extremes.

We all however, are vulnerable to knowing the paralysis of being ashamed of ourselves. Recently I found myself feeling cut off at the knees by events beyond my control. In my pride and grandiosity, I chose to believe I was in charge of my life. Funny me! I made what I thought were some wise self care choices and lo and behold, the gods laughed at me. I felt ashamed and told myself I wasn’t half as smart as I thought myself to be. It felt terrible to be doubting my intuition which is a part of me I especially trust and value.

Sleeping, dreaming, letting myself be loved, walking, snuggling with Aimee, talking to wise and informed people…….and I am moving into a blessed place of transcendence. There is no shame in trusting oneself and those who guide us. There is no shame in doing the best one knows to do in the moment. My learning is if I say intuitively I believe this and that are the right things, and this and that turns out to feel wrong, I must wait, have patience, call upon faith.

I am strong, I am wise, I am loved and I love. And so are you. There need be no shame when the story we weave and count on so heavily turns out differently than planned. Instead, it takes courage and smarts to move on with a new story and know the surprise ending will be one that is in our/my best interests. If only I can hold the faith that the new version of the story will be as satisfying as the original story I told to myself.

Faith, time, kindness, grace, balance. All necessary friends to take on the journey when we set out to create new and are willing to allow unknown join the adventure.

Same isn’t useful. It cuts us down, plows over us and tries to bury us. Don’t let that happen to you. Refuse to be shame’s victim. Learn the lesson and move beyond. I really do believe there is peace and hope waiting to be discovered by each of us. I bet there is a little angel somewhere looking for you. Let your light shine so your angels can find you and give you the love you long for and so very much deserve.

Blessings and hope always, Nancy






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