Could I have loved better?
Love is patient. Love is kind. Love forgives, love walks longer on the endless path of weary and despair. Love is joy and pleasure, love holds tight and releases, love stumbles and falls and accepts help in getting up…..so very many things love is about.
Sometimes I did some of them, often I did many, too many times I didn’t do enough. My excuses are always on the ready. I wanted to do better.
Bottom line: we were human you and me. We were flawed and we witnessed each others flaws over and over again. You forgave me. I saw it in your eyes. Maybe I am only now beginning to forgive me. I feel the holding back in my legs as I try to push forward. I can not move forward until I have forgiven…. you? Me? Who?
I leave Toronto where we lived in the lovely home we both created for 23 years. I go to Kalamazoo, Michigan where I came from in the first place, returning to family and friends. I do not take you with me. Not a solid concrete YOU. Memories, things you taught me, precious moments, promises not kept, dreams not realized together. All of that goes with me. I carry that in my heart, in my mind, in every cell of my body and soul.
I go on an adventure without you but helped by you to prepare for what lies ahead. You would not want to live in Kalamazoo. It would not have suited you. I want to live there. We had to part……and you did the leaving first. You left for yourself, and you left for me. You let go so I could move forward. I didn’t cling or hang on. I let you slip away with ambiguity, uncertainty, with great sorrow. Together we parted, each choosing a new path.
We did that well.
I could have loved you better. I loved you well. I long ago forgave you for leaving. Now I must forgive myself for wanting to move forward into a future without you.
Hold the one you treasure with high regard and volumes of tenderness. Our time together is short. Everything we say and do, everything we forget to say or do, matters, either to ourselves or to our treasured other. We get to make mistakes. But we must also learn our lessons and prove that we have learned well.
Hugs and love always, that is all that really matters in our life journey.