I have to write. My soul longs for words. I feel stretched between two worlds: the world of here and now and the world of next and beyond…..
I am agitated, jumpy, irritated; I have sharp edges, my eyes can not see clearly, my words are snappy. I don’t day dream. I don’t skip, I forgot how to play, laughter runs away from me. The sky is dreary and my skin is cold. My bones ache.
I am preparing for change. A change I welcome. A change I have asked for, co-created, am stretching toward…..as if stretching over a dark green roiling ocean with waves too high for me to see beyond.
Change. My life is changing. All life always changes. No 2 minutes are ever exactly the same. Days that look alike are never really exactly alike. The sun is different, the clouds move, some birds come and others leave; our inner world and our outer world are in slow motion; or our worlds speed up and our heart pounds with the strain.
Go with the flow I am told.
The current is too strong. It takes me away from myself. The tide pulls me back and holds me captive. I strain for release and when freedom comes I find it difficult to breathe. I walk, I talk, I think, I wander, slowly I begin to settle. Finally I begin to feel peace inside me……if I take the time to listen.
Change is what life is about. We can’t become a statue at age 3. We can’t freeze at age 23, or rot at age 33. Always we are moving onto the next: the next learning, the next adventure, the next phase or page in the book or scene in the stage play. I can see why it is so important to make every minute count, to be pleased with how we spend every day of our life, to not go forward with regrets. Never will we have that exact moment again and it is a precious gift to be treasured and nurtured.
I find solace and comfort in words. I find enough relief to move about again and look for the moment to dance, listen for the opportunity to laugh, welcome the hope of new, different, uncertainty.
Longing for the same is mind numbing. Embracing new is courageous. I can remind myself to transcend the moment and remember the sun always shines eventually. I can let my aching bones relax and my chilly skin absorb the warmth and remember to smile and breathe.
In relief and pleasure, Nancy