Sometimes, for no specific reason available to hand, my Self and my self just want to shut down. I feel dull, dreary, even rather dumb, certainly disinterested. The autumn colours are brilliant, the air is cool but crisp and doable, the sky is blue, there is food in the refrigerator, my car has been winterized, my new yet unused lap top is ready and available, I took the leap and wired a huge payment toward my new condo……all is well. All I must really do is breathe.
And breathing feels like just about as much as I want to do. Breathe, and possible talk about ennui and what it might mean—-in a good way.
Many of us are hard task masters on self and on others. Sometimes we expect a fair bit out of self but don’t do much about seeing that big and important things happen as a result of our energetic input and output. Hanging around is wasteful. Accomplishing is tiresome.
I have just completed an excellent action and brain packed workshop on the brain and mindfulness and working with clients. It was led by Linda Graham from California who has written an excellent book entitled: Bouncing Back: Rewiring Your Brain For Maximum Resilience and Well-Being. She is one dynamic, brilliant, creative, good thinking, kind woman. I admire her tremendously. I want to be Linda Graham when I grow up.
I think in fact, that is the issue right there: I AM grown up……so what I need is time to integrate. I need time to absorb and make mine, the research and reading, the thinking and learning Linda Graham has done. I am deep in the middle of transition. I am preparing to change my practice, move to Michigan, sell my Toronto home, build a new home, leave 25 + almost 30 years of my life and return to a life that has grown and changed and I must find my way in a world that is mine while at the same time has not been mine for 3 decades.
Think with tenderness about the changes you are in the midst of; the ways in which your life is no longer the life you knew it to be and think about how you are learning to adjust to, embrace, enfold yourself into all that is new and different for you. Breathe. Maybe even rest. Maybe rest is the busiest you can be right now. Change, even terrific change that you choose takes time for your body and soul to absorb. Even the brain stuff I learned over the weekend teaches that to be true.
Kindness and safety…….Linda says those are the two most important feelings for healthy relationship: to feel and share kindness and to feel and share safety. Absolutely. I agree. Kindness with self and others. Finding a safe emotional/psychological/spiritual/mind and body place for self. For me that takes quiet, self-reflective time. And, it takes as long as it takes. Some people can move smoothly and relatively swiftly through periods of change and integration in their lives. Others take longer. No judgement. No criticism. No fault.
Linda Graham teaches that it, whatever the it of our behaviour might be at the moment, is not our fault. We are responsible for our responses, but we do not deserve to fault ourselves. There is always reason for what we do and think and how we feel. Blame for our thoughts is not helpful, nor is blame for our behavior until we are conscious of what we are doing. Then best we quickly take responsibility and make necessary changes.
So there is no fault in ennui. Just recognize the weariness and be kind to yourself. Find your place of safety and trust that this too shall move into another phase. My Self—-your Self—–needs space to vibrate and hum. When it is time, idleness will wear off and interest will reappear. It has before, and it certainly will again.
If I don’t do another thing today, it is simply enough to know I am sending loving energy and kindly hopes for peace and harmony for anyone who might be reading this.