A new/old friend and colleague died sometime Fri. I received the news from a mutual friend. I knew Jeannette for probably almost 20 years, but only in the last 2 years have I been blessed with having social and professional time with her. She was a colleague, a gifted spiritual wise woman, a kind, caring, creative, loving, easy to be with, very gifted healer and spiritual guide…..for me and for many others.
This morning I think about what I would regret if I knew I was living my last day or hours or minutes. I do not know if she knew. I only know she was gifted and wise, sensitive and profoundly connected to a world I would like to have known more fully through her guidance.
I would regret that almost every day I find myself feeling fear for one thing or another in my gut, in my core being, in the deepest part of myself. I would regret that I let moments of peace, moments of joy, of laughter, of possible deeper loving go by unnoticed at the time. I might regret some risk I could have taken that would have added to or made different my conscience journey. I don’t know right now what that risk might have been. So there is little regret re: that possible loss.
I think there have been too many moments throughout my life that I have not been as kind as I would have expected from myself. I regret the times I have hurt someone I love and/or who has loved me. I regret I have not been more graceful, more gentle, more empathic, wiser and more mature when differences have come between me and someone else.
Most of all however, my regret at this moment is that I fear what comes next. I fear what Jeannette has faced and I profoundly hope she was not afraid. I believe her spiritual self and spiritual connection surrounded her with love and held, then lifted and carried her into all loving harmony and bliss. I want that to be true for her. I want that to be true for me.
Suspecting that it was the spiritual world that carried Jeannette on her onward journey, and friends came later, after she and her guides had already taken care of it all, I find myself even more clear that it is time for me to move to Michigan where I will have family to help guide me during my last hours here.
Four of us held and loved Clo as she took her last breaths and moved forward without us. She was not afraid. I want to be not afraid. I am not afraid when I am in the arms of love. When I feel myself giving love and when I allow myself to receive love, I am brave, courageous, curious, able, and safe.
Moving from Toronto where I have lived an amazingly rich and creative and loving and loved life feels right to do. I do not regret one minute while here. I do not regret for one minute my decision almost 30 years ago to create a life for myself here.
Now it is time to return to where I will have the holding and the knowing that I need. And with me I take amazing learning and growth, stretching and remembering. My life here in Canada could never have been lived the same had I stayed in Michigan. My last years can not be the same here as they will be there. I am so very blessed.
Jeannette: I miss you and we barely knew each other. But I know we both wanted more and appreciated what we did have together. I thank you for what you have taught me, for the role modeling you did of a wise women of spirit with many gifts of healing and much knowing of more than what is obvious to us all. Bless you precious woman. I know you have let yourself sink safely into loving arms and that you have found bliss and peace. You are remembered and love by many.
Think about what you might regret should your days here end today…..or tomorrow. See if you can adjust those regrets, do something new and different now to feel better about them. Keep in mind as you go forward that regrets can seem simple or negligible now, but at the last moment might really have significant meaning. Be intentional, mindful, respectful with you interactions with others. It matters, it matters to you. You do not want to carry regrets with you into the next world. There is enough work to be done, all of us have enough lessons to learn and growing and healing to do. We do not need to add to that list of unfinished business, using time and energy to repair regretful things we may have said or done and could have in fact addressed before moving on into another world of existence.
Blessings peace and hope. I do not truly believe there is ultimately anything to be afraid of. I think I tremble in the face of not remembered and it is time I let go of fear and welcome hope and love. Nancy