I find myself enjoying solitude without being exhausted. I wonder sometimes if I have to exhaust myself so as to give me permission to be with myself. I am thinking not……today I am not exhausted, nor do I need to be with anyone. I am content.
Aimee sits at my feet as I write, smelling chicken frying down stairs in preparation for a naan sandwich of chicken, onions, cucumbers, and tomatoes, with plenty of mayonnaise. I have made a rice and lentil salad. I am a cook. Certainly not a chef extraordinaire, but at least I prepare healthy food for me to eat. Good job, Nancy. One of the many gifts Clo brought to this family of three counting Aimee, that I have successfully been able to absorb. Maybe not entirely happily, but certainly with a certain amount of aplomb.
I think of this home and the family Clo and I created together. I think of our grandchildren and how dearly she loved them. And I am grateful to fully realize that they also loved her. I think of the years she and I lived in this home in this incredible city, teaching each other to survive when neither of us came from big city background. I think of how well we did, and that we were able to pass on what we learned, our love for the city, the diversity and joy of city living. I am pleased with us. We grew together, stretched and learned to understand ourselves and each other over the 23 years. And we passed on so very much to my adult children and our grandchildren. I am grateful.
I think of what a home in Portage, Michigan and a life where I once lived and went to university, married, birthed 4 children, divorced, raised those 4 children, got a Master’s, a professional job for the first time, spent 5 + years on the road with an educational improvisational troupe, created a partial hospitalization program in a private psychiatric hospital as well as a psychodrama department, and finally relocated in Toronto, might look and feel like. Whew. Huge sentence. Huge life. Well done Ross!
I appreciate the myriad opportunities. I appreciate the courage and wisdom it took to latch on to each of those opportunities. I appreciate that renewing my life in Portage, Michigan feels like an exciting step forward and not a bit like an unfortunate step back ward. New beginnings. Not at all taking off where I left, but creating new out of what I once had and put on hold, if you will. They did not hold, but I set aside that life to attend to other business. Now I return to take it up again in a new and unknown way.
Mystery. I love to read mystery books. I love the mystery of life. I love the mystery of MY life. I do not know what the next year, the next 5 or 10 years hold for me. But I do know that I look forward to what that might look like and feel like. Whatever is on the other side of what I now know will be a way for me to learn and grow. Always. When I stop learning and growing, I stop. No more. There will be no more me when I become unable to find pleasure in something other than what is now.
Time for a beer and my chicken naan. Hugs and love always, please write to me. I want to hear if anything I have to say resonates with anyone else. Nancy