I saw/felt something in a new way this morning as I was passenger in the Toyota shuttle car on my way home from the dealership. The driver and I talked about new cars, a bit about my car, a bit about what I wanted to do next and when I might want to do that. He respectfully, not in the least minimizing me, talked about his ideas and thinking. The terrible anguish I have been feeling lately every time that subject comes up was absent. There was peace and lack of tension in my body as we drove through downtown Toronto on my way home to the Beach.
I believe I was feeling the balance and harmony of two people respectfully discussing a subject he knew way more about than I did and I allowed myself to listen and be listened to. I did not give him more power than was necessary because he was a man. I did not diminish me because I am dumb at these things. We each held our own place without struggle or angst. Held our own with comfort.
I piss and moan a fair bit about being computer dull and techno dumb. I often think to myself that I am too little for this job, whatever the job might be. A shaman/energy healer is telling me I am psychically and spiritually trying to welcome and create homecoming for a core light of life that dimmed significantly around the age of 9 to 12.
All this is what at this moment I am aware of rumbling around in my brain/mind/heart/Self.
New words for me, in the attempt to make sense out of me: I am way out of balance. My feminine is essentially doing okay and is definitely running the show. Long ago I lost most if not all of my masculine self. I ask the question: might that have happened somewhere around 9 to 12? Really? That long ago? Do you think…..
I don’t remember what I was thinking or feeling in my life at that time, but I do remember a few things that were going on: my father sold his long-established and somewhat prestigious business to buy a sporting goods store which left both my mother and me in the outer edges of our family as neither of us knew a thing about sports, outdoor or indoor, nor did we care to know; I was beginning puberty and taught an important family value was that I not be “boy crazy”; my childhood companion Bradshaw had abandoned me; my mother was very depressed……that is what I remember.
What I know today is that I can feel the imbalance and I want to change that. I think visualization will help. I think continued reading and studying Marion Woodman will help. I think ongoing meditation, especially as I walk Aimee, will help and I suspect dreaming about it may help. I think I did dream about it last night: I received a message on my answering machine of great importance in my dream. I have NO memory what the message was about.
How do you feel about the feminine and masculine balance in your heart and soul…..in your life…….in your relationship? I find in working with couples and with families that balance matters. When there is an imbalance someone feels marginalized and gets scared, hurt, sad, disappointed and turns that into anger. I think the only way to really understand and feel clarity about such an imbalance is through mindfulness, mediation, writing, other creative expressions like art, dance, music.
Getting to know self and Self is the way to learn about having stasis in your life. If the flow from masculine to feminine, feminine to masculine, back and forth, again and again, always moving and changing, is stuck, stopped, non existent the balance and harmony will be off and everyone will be paying a deep and possibly not very visible price for that.
This isn’t only about gender specific duties and responsibilities in the household, though that is a part of it. Where is the power in the household? Where is there tension? Where harmony? Who in the family is the driver, if you will? What do each of you feel about your role and the role of your partner? Do you have regret? Anger? Disappointment? Annoyance? Bitterness? Safety? Satisfaction?
I encourage you to talk with each other being genuine and taking risks. Something you might not be fully satisfied with someone else might also wish to be different. Out of balance affects everybody. Harmony brings safety. Safety gives birth to love.
Loves gives us the freedom to dance, full body exposed to the sky.