Sometimes, especially in the fairly early morning, I wander aimlessly, or maybe with a titch of direction and intent, around the house, upstairs, downstairs, and in my Lady’s Chamber, (remember that nursery rhyme from childhood, yours, your children’s and now the grand children’s), singing ho hum, ho hum, hum, hum, hum, ho hum, ho, ho, ho, hum, hum ho hum……..on and on in a terrible monotone as I absolutely can not carry a tune, but I totally need, want, must, hear sound. Someones voice. My voice or someones…..dear me, I need to hear a voice.
I call it the Single Woman’s Lament. I MUST hear sound. Even my own will do. Aimee looks at me with her head cocked to one side, both ears perked up, and sometimes lifts her head and howls in harmonious discord (Hmmmmm?) with me. Then I make coffee and she follows me hoping we will soon go out for a frisky cemetery walk, and I begin to hum. Good morning world. Good morning world of the aging and the single……I fill it with my own noises, laugh at myself and hug my dog.
The radio is always on with wondrous classical music and the voices of each gifted host teaching me and telling me stories: theirs and the musicians. I realize totally that living with someone does not mean talking with someone. Or lamenting…..it only means another body in the space where I breathe and hummmmm and move around. So I am not lamenting a relationship. I am lamenting aging, change, moments I do not have control of, distance of family and friends. All things I would lament as a single or double or for that matter triple: people with children or live in family members have very similar experiences I know. At least I know that I did. We singles do not have a corner on the market of feeling alone and longing for sound in our often way too quiet world.
Some of us came into this life with a great need to belong and feel the spiritual and emotional intimacy of others. Some of us came into this life fairly connected with whatever went on inside their heart and soul and without much need for anything more. I am a need more person. Hence, I write. As my fingers push the keys on my computer, my heart lightens and my Self finds Other in the space beyond me with whom I feel a deep communion. I find a seamless flow between my Self and Other, other beyond me, more of me, with me. Together, when there is more than I am on my own, I find peace, balance, and a faith that life is infinite.
As a child I often wondered how wise I would be, what secrets and mysteries I would understand, how connected I could become to more than the Self I knew then, when I was in my 60’s, 70’s and 80’s. I now know what it feels like, for me at least, to be those ages, and I find myself still bewildered. No clear answers yet. I wonder, do I get to live until I understand all of the secrets and mysteries of life? Will all be reveal the moment I pass through the veil from here to there? Am I going to hear a whisper in my ear? Are the cells of my body going to remember and understand and be able to think/feel/say ohhhhhh Now I get it! Now there is clarity and I understand and life makes sense? Will life make sense to me one day? Or do I go on forever and ever in my exquisite search for more to be revealed……
I had hoped by now to have answers to my childish questions. Instead, I wonder if they actually are childish, or if instead they simply are not mine to know. Maybe the questions I ask are questions of eternity and when I have the answers I will be fully awakened. I like that idea. A search for my fully awakened SELF. I have faith I will like what I discover.
Hugs and love, Nancy