When I fall, I must pick myself up, brush myself off, and walk on again alone.
The cement is hard.
The floor hurts.
The ground is unforgiving.
I scrape my knees, hit my head, hurt my hand, my heart is lonely.
I dreamt I was looking for her. I dreamt she was somewhere but I couldn’t find her. I felt her absence. There were people all around, but a hole where I wanted her to be. Someone……..just there……gone…….my hand reaching out to clutch….comes back empty.
I had big brown spots all over my face. I knew they would go away but I knew they were ugly.
My spirit guide, aging for the first time in my dream world, looked at me with care, concern, and regard. He did not turn away from me in my ugliness. Then people walked between us and he was gone.
I was alone again, wandering around a huge building looking and trying to find my way. Looking for……someone
Some days I am certain I will, and certain I want to, live out the rest of this life time alone.
Sometimes that feels too lonely; and it feels sad and unfortunate, like a waste of potential and possibilities. Today I am going to treat myself to an almond croissant while I walk Aimee at the park.
And in my heart I am going to miss…….someone.
Sometimes I don’t let myself feel the missing. Today it is okay. That is not self pity.
It is just the truth.