I know that tiny very hidden dark place deep inside my gut or my heart, my soul I think it is actually, where I long to be held and feel safe. I search carefully trying to find what or where or when or how I can soothe that little bugger.
I remember 35 plus years ago standing beside Carl, my husband and watching his mother. I said to Carl, ‘Deep in my heart I feel sorry. We love her, and you love her deeply, but ultimately you and I are the ONES who come first. She has not come first in many years.’
I believe we all long to come FIRST. Sometimes it is an illusion. Sometimes we try to make it be true but it doesn’t feel true. But the desire to be first in the eyes and the heart of someone who can hold you and feels comfortable and safe, lives in the soul of every single one of us. I think often times we hurry about rapidly being second or third or fourth, in the effort to be somewhere at the top of the line-up. But FIRST alludes way too frequently.
Most of us are creative, forgiving, pragmatic, brilliant in our explanations and understanding as we sublimate with hobbies, work, busyness, business, using our talents for a very good cause so we can hide that nagging bugger of longing and disappointment and sadness. But ultimately it doesn’t totally work. We can not fool ourselves. The truth is, everyone wants and deserves to be first in the life of someone or even several people. When we aren’t, haven’t been for a long time, or possibly never have been, we know we have missed out on an important gift of living and we grieve for that loss.
There is nothing wrong in feeling the longing to be FIRST and there is nothing wrong in refusing to show that vulnerability or to share it. We each one of us have our secrets that matter. It is a matter of pride and sometimes it is perfectly commendable to not show or say everything that comes into our mind and heart, to hold a bit back, to nurture a longing that isn’t going to be met and feel fully human and fully alive because that longing is a part of us and that is how it is.