Eventually It All Makes Sense

A totally glorious and gorgeous fall day! Windy but warm in the sun. Aimee and I had a wonderful long walk at the beach today. The waves banged against the shore and the rocks noisily and with great satisfaction and pleasure. Other dog walkers smiled and offered cheerful morning greetings. A man with a camera watched two mink walk across the pathway toward the rocks where they have lived a cozy life for several years, he told me.

I feel my body walking solidly and strongly along the path by the water and I know a new me has emerged. I have been in process of giving new birth to myself throughout this summer. A month in Michigan with family and friends moved me firmly into the centre of the growth spurt and then a short time home followed by a long weekend in Fergus, Ontario with friends just pushed me into a world where I find joy, peace, balance, courage, hope, and a future I can happily embrace.

The inside of my home (symbolizing my Self, I believe) is newly in order and all mine. I am taking charge of the outside of my home (the yard and garden that have totally overwhelmed me for years) and finding my way to stillness, patience, beauty and growth that suit me.

It feels like my inner life and my outer life have burst into bloom. I believe that the years I had with Clo as she valued me, held me in high regard, encouraged me and taught me, have had a big role in the Nancy I am today. I am grateful for all I have, all I have been given, and all I know is waiting for me in the days, months, years, to come.

There are several people in my life with whom I share daily gratitude’s via email. I find it to be a very affirming way to begin a day, or to end it for that matter if end of day works better for some people. There absolutely was a time in my life when I dreaded getting up in the morning. It felt difficult, sometimes close to impossible to face yet another bleak day of same old same old. Beginning with simple gratitude’s like I am grateful for the smell of coffee brewing in the kitchen, I am grateful for the music easily available to me on the radio, I am grateful I have Aimee to encourage me to get out for a walk……..all helped me face the day. At least helped me get showed, brush my teeth, and put on clothes. 

Time, affirmations and gratitude’s, one foot in front of the other, reaching out to people, making difficult decisions and choices, but making them anyway have all contributed to getting me to the happy place I am at today.  I understand a lot more about the process of grieving loss, all loss, any loss, than ever I have before. I understand how vulnerable and fragile one feels when in the throws of grief. I understand not being able to walk out the front door much less drive the car and I understand having to say no when it simply makes no sense to anyone else.

My sharing today is to encourage all of us to remember there really can be hope at the end of the storm if we look for it, expect it, and welcome it when it arrives. First of all, of course, we have to believe the storm will end.  And it will end. Sometimes we have some ways to help make it end. And sometimes we simply have to wait it out. It takes as long as it takes to find a new self once the old self has been destroyed/abandoned/misplaced/wounded. DO NOT let ANYONE decide for you how long you should be with your grieving. And NEVER feel shame and let go of despair. If you want to, when you want, you will find what you are looking for. I know. 

I have!

I have found peace, a whole self who feels and looks new, I have found hope, and I have found renewed meaning for my life.

I am grateful for the life I have chosen. Even when it is challenging, hurtful, uncertain, unclear, I trust and I have leaned that there will be a time when all things will make sense. Now or at some other time, but it will happen. I am grateful to be certain of that for myself. I believe it to be true for you as well: all things really do make sense. Some things it takes far longer to understand than others.

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