I have finally recreated my home. I am done except for art for the walls that will come to me when we are ready for each other.
For over two years I have been in transition with my home and really with my life. Sometimes it feels like everything is symbolic. I really didn’t know how I would decorate my home once I found myself living alone. I felt challenged and out of my league, while also excited and pleased to see what would emerge. I bought, sold, gave away, upholstered, painted and repainted. I exchanged rugs, had a rug made, decided and changed my mind. Always a work in progress, sometimes satisfying, often times frustrating, always learning and finding hope and balance in what I like and what truly soothes my soul.
My daughter Lisa and her husband Robert and I finished things together these last few days. They helped with final choices, moving furniture and rugs around, making decisions what else should be moved on out of my home and life. The new is here. I feel free and clear. I also feel a bit like the little gray mouse lives in a little gray house. I do like gray and white. My mission now, should I chose to accept it and I do, is to be on the lookout for art work that has bright colours, like reds and pinks. The kitchen has been totally remodelled, living room totally redecorated, bedroom redone with a wonderful new long closet with three sliding doors, and a basement apartment of sorts cleared out and looking pristine. I can feel the satisfaction of accomplishing a make over and having done it with panache. It feels like in celebration of me. When I began these changes, I feared I was somehow doing something against Clo. No longer does that feel true at all. I hold her deeply and tenderly in my heart. And I have moved on and am creating a new Nancy.
It feels good, and I feel strong as I stand steady in my shoes. Life took over, not unlike what happens during raising children, and l got lost in the shuffle. I have no regrets about the past, choices I made, the way I lived my life. And I am moving forward with no regrets. The burden of regrets is not being dragged along beside or behind me. Optimism beacons and calls for me to embrace her with joy and hope.
A huge learning for me this year that I want to pass on to you and ask you to consider very seriously how it fits into your life with or without your partner, is that I WILL have ups and downs. The ups WILL end and the downs WILL end. Everything always ends. Accepting that truth, that reality, the wisdom of full realization if not acceptance, will absolutely make life easier. Embrace your joyful times with and without each other, do all you mindfully can to extend the joy and to hold it close and dear to your heart and memory. And in the midst of tough times remind yourself that it will end. You will come out of the doldrums or move away from the pain or learn from the loss and misery. You will learn and grow if you will allow yourself to do that.
Our times of sadness matter and helps use to be able to celebrate and love joy. The good wouldn’t feel so good if we didn’t have the contrast of the bad. Contrast is how we see what is going on. If it was the same season 12 months a year we would have nothing to look forward to, to complain about, to worry over, to celebrate. Same old same old gets very boring. Sliding down the slippery slope of despair from time to time can actually be a good thing. Amongst many other things it can teach us to strive for what we like and what we rejoice in and to be grateful that life isn’t always awful and hard.
My starts and stops, my mistakes and make overs, my despair that I would never get it right, when I was redoing my living room really has helped me trust my intuition more. Intuitively I learned what I liked and what I didn’t like as I brought it into my house and as I moved it out when it didn’t belong here. I often felt muddled and uncertain and like a ditz, but in the end I find I am creative, artistic, smart, and thorough. Rejoice!