I have a horrible sentence with 3 metaphors that I considered not to lead with, but it truly does capture what it felt like for me early last week, like about Tues: I was having a melt down and as I slid down the slippery slope toward the mud bog, my son caught me in the middle of my free fall. Horrible sentence, huh? Well it felt a lot like that to me. Horrible!
I don’t know if I can put wise words to what was happening for me, but my experience was that my energy and the energy in the world surrounding was all cobbled up and I was not strong enough, or big enough, or wise enough, or something enough, I simply wasn’t enough to hold it all and stay grounded.
Amidst all of the uproar and chaos that life delivered to me in crisis, as it felt to me, my son Craig sent me a text asking how I was doing. ‘Not so great,’ says I bravely.
‘Come see me.’ he offers.
‘Actually, I really might do that. Are you sure you really want me? And how about your partner?’ (A new live-in girlfriend I quite like and met at Christmas time). He checked and responded that not only did he and Sherri want me, but 6 year old Bella was excited to meet a new Nana as well. Man oh man, did I call my travel agent fast and he worked miracles in minutes.
Family matters. To intentionally nurture and support and love those who will be your safety net when push comes to shove. It is your responsibility to Be intentional about making it clear that those closest to you know they are cherished by you. Cherishing, I am learning from my Buddhist friends across the street means, thinking of others first, always doing what is in best interest of others, showing love and high regard, respecting, all those lovely things we want for ourselves and are way more likely to get them if we do the cherishing first.
If I cherish you and you cherish me, we will both feel safe and able to take risks and to live life more fully and comfortably. I feel cherished by Craig. That I was in distress mattered to him and he offered what he had: his love and his family and to share his life for a while. I have always cherished him. He is my precious dear second son and I love and treasure him as I do his brother and his sisters. I am most fortunate. I am loved. I fully believe that my loving them and showing it has helped with the gentle weaving of our collective lives and our authentic regard. Love, cherish, regard, compassion, respect, all words to be taken seriously and to be mindful about integrating into our everyday lives with family, friends, and others who cross our path.
About 5 days post anniversary of Clo’s dying 2 years ago, life seems to have settled again.
Clo’s energy abounded during the last month in my life. She has currently pulled her attention off of me and I am ready to move forward again. In retrospect I do not regret the upheaval I felt for something like 4 weeks or so. I remembered, I grieved, I was frightened, and I struggled. But somehow it actually feels like I also celebrated. Certainly it was celebratory to do a tour of monuments in downtown Washington DC with Craig, Sherri and my precious new step granddaughter and to attend a beer fest in Old Town where I could shop and have a beer and shop again. But more than that: to me it felt like life was out of control. I found the resources to bring order out of chaos. I celebrate my new found energy, possibly some new wisdom, and certainly the realization that I ultimately function perfectly fine as a single woman of a certain age who loves her life, her work, her family, and her friends.
I don’t ultimately know what sense to make out of all the uncertainty and lack of focus I was feeling prior to June 15. But I do believe my body and soul and mind remembered the painful and uncertain times I felt were happening as we prepared for Clo to leave. Does the spirit world interact with our world and do we sometimes, or maybe even often times, feel the impact of that? I think so. This is where I do not have the smart words to explain what I feel intuitively. I guess my intuition tends most times to work just fine. So I am believing Clo’s other world energy was present during this last month, both positively and maybe not really negatively, but causing me distress. And I suspect, should she be able to put words to that experience to tell me what she was trying to teach me it would go something like, ultimately all is well. Don’t stress the small stuff and almost everything actually is quite small. Even when it appears to be coming at me in a big stuff way.