I want to try to put words to the experience I had just ever so briefly this morning. It’s a perfect example of possibility when we are open to really allowing ourselves to receive. For just a brief moment I felt like I felt many years ago when Clo filled the house. She was deeply integrated into my life, into the very marrow of my bones. It felt like she was beside me. But even more, it felt like she filled the house. Like she was everywhere in the house.
As Clo got sicker over the years she spent a fair bit of time in our nicely finished down stairs where she had her desk, her computer, and our television. My time was frequently spent upstairs with clients or at my computer. The sicker she got, the greater the physical distance became, though we were both together in the house. I sometimes saw in my mind’s eye, Clo down stairs, a floor between us, and me upstairs. We were content. It was not about discontent. But as I think of it now, we weren’t as blended as we tended to be when she had more energy.
As I made my bed this morning, I imagined her in my eyes, felt her in my heart. There was a clarity of presence I do not have further words to use. On the one hand, I could say her energy became a part of me and then moved into the energy in the house. But she was exceedingly clear. It is the clarity of feeling her presence that sticks with me now.
My wiser self knows that the energy I felt came from inside me. For a brief moment I remembered what it felt like to have her here. I liked the feeling and it definitely helped to settle my internal rumblings. Those rumblings are what I call loneliness. We long for security in our relationships and to know that we are being held and wanted in intimate connection. I felt that intimate connection and knew at that brief second of clarity, it was Clo. Because it was with her I most recently felt the safety of intimacy shared with more than one.
Labels like dependent or needy or co-dependent or clingy often get used and when they are used I believe we are doing a big disservice to self and to others. One is not enough. One person can be complete. But it takes safe connection to something beyond self to truly thrive and move through life without angst. One can function just fine. ONE in connection with energy deeper and greater than self can shine with ease.
My experience this morning for only the briefest of seconds reminded me that indeed I am not alone. I do not know the name of what “not alone” is. For lack of better words this morning I named it Clo. With a few hours of contemplation and integration I understand that nothing magical happened. My loneliness and discontent were filled with comfort and peace. I made it happen. It came from me. I can make it happen again by remembering how I felt this morning, by imagining what I want to feel and remembering that feelings follow thoughts and by being intentional and mindful about changing my thinking I can influence my feelings. If my thinking leads with I am safe, I am connected, I am loved, I have known love, I know how to love, then I can find the place inside where those words are really true. I can find great comfort there.