As a relationship therapist who was once married, once divorced, again committed, twice widowed, is of a certain age and intends to remain single, I have a great deal of soul searching that needs to be done. I am at a time in my life when I can harvest the garden of a life of trying, struggling, succeeding, failing, trying again, feeling triumphant and delighted, disappointed, hurt and sad, refreshed, replenished and renewed. I have had years of learning, healing, and growing. So shouldn’t it all be simple by now? I should be able to easily slip into the depths of the spiritual and physical intimacy that I have been searching for and learning about all of my adult life. I think it is true that every day of my life I hold dear to me the growing that I have done and the lessons I have learned.
I value intimacy. I in fact welcome and embrace it, particularly spiritual intimacy. In Romantic Love or better said I believe, Romantic Lust, good and connected, secure and safe and satisfying sex feels like intimacy. It feels like you have known each other in past life times, like you can finish each other’s thoughts and guess each other’s longings and desires. You feel seen and understood. You feel loved, wanted, special, delightful, beautiful…..on and on. Romantic Love is an incredibly bonding and significant period in our lives and EVERYONE deserves to have had that experience. Why would you, how COULD you, ever sign up for a life time together if you had not first, experienced Romantic Love? Life is too challenging without expecting and receiving some perks, at least in the beginning.
The time comes however, it may be a moment, or possibly an adding up of many moments, but the time inevitably comes when good sex, or good love making, just isn’t quite enough to fully thrive and reconnect to the spiritual depth we came into this life time expecting to have with a special partner or soul mate. Sex without spiritual uplifting brings disappointment and deep feelings of loss. Sex without spirituality doesn’t ultimately sustain our soul. It becomes all too fleeting. The after-glow only lasts a short while and then life happens again. Someone once said to me, “We would have safe, profound, connected love making and then we would leave for the day and when we came back together at end of day there seemed to be a HUGE gap. Like the love making never happened, the safety was no longer there. Our days doing life without each other became bigger than our love making could hold.” In the disappointment, intimate disconnect occurs. Eventually, sex isn’t enough to sustain a couple when hurt, anger or frustration, disappointment, maybe especially disappointment, creep, or for that matter, smash into your life.
While the physical release and connection during sex can be amazing, and can soften and sweeten the relationship, love making can still be one dimensional if the spiritual connection has been neglected. And the spiritual connection is a far more challenging and gratifying connection to build, to share, to embrace. A spiritual sexual connection transcends the known, surpasses all familiar boundaries and goes deeper within yourself than you ever thought possible. It offers this sense of being at one with everything. It is a KNOWING that you have found the divine. The connection of spirit and body when sharing intimately can initially be very frightening. It involves a new level of vulnerability and will literally take your breath away. It offers the bliss we once knew. We were separated from that bliss at the moment of birth. We spend our lifetime longing to return to it and knowing the divine while making love reconnects us to our original bliss.
The kind of love making I am talking about requires total surrender. It requires quieting the mind, fully moving into your body, and opening up to spirit. There is no room for judging or having expectations of self or other; it is a place of no ego. The blurring of boundaries, the blurring of a sense of self is finding the divine in you and finding all of who you truly are. And it is very frightening to embrace that truth because we have separated ourselves from that place of bliss at the moment of birth.
Finding the divine in love making may take a life time to prefect. But what fun to work toward that! Allow yourself to be risky. Allow yourself to move beyond what you know and adventure together into unfamiliar realms of joy and bliss, always remembering you are safe.
Seventy plus years on this planet has helped me to trust a life time of learning, making mistakes, trying again, and actually getting it right sometimes. As I look back over my life today, I feel able to celebrate the woman I have become. I don’t even find myself feeling regrets: regrets for a marriage that didn’t continue, regrets for vows broken or promises made that shouldn’t have been made, words shared that came from an unwise place….. My umbrella vision of the past is of valiant and honest attempts to find my bliss and trust my journey.