I Get It

I know I have said this before, but this time I really mean it, I get it! I get that addiction to someone else is not particularly healthy AND I get the reluctance to let go even when it is clear it is not wise to hang on. I get the longing for intimate connection, for the morning call and the evening good night. I get the desire to feel held and to feel safe and wanted. I have a very dear friend of 40 years or more who has been widowed for 15 years. Currently she is hanging on to a relationship that is very hurtful to her. I get it! Her longing for companionship, togetherness, friendship, someone special is tremendous and she can lose herself in what is not good for her as she forgets that it isn’t good and longs for the pain of that big empty dark place of loneliness to go away.

I love my solitude. I love my life. I also long for a special companion and friend. I get why my friend gets lost and reaches out for someone to help find her.

I may not ever again live with another person for any length of time. My introverted self so needs and longs for quiet and solitude that it may well be true I won’t again share living space. But I also want and need to feel noticed, cared about and connected. I need to have someone to depend on. In a few words: I need a companionable best friend. I do have dear friends both in Michigan and Toronto. However, some have partners and it sometimes feels like I have only half the energy that I wish to contribute. When Clo and I visited as guests, she got right into the middle of things and HELPED. I stay on the edges and listen and talk. Now I feel like I should do it all, and I really don’t want to.

Simultaneously, I hold the wanting and the not wanting; the missing a support person as well as the joy of solitude. It drives me crazy! I want both: a special friend AND a totally independent life. I want someone who sees and understands me, doesn’t judge or criticize me, accepts me, supports, suggests, patiently loves and nudges me. I want a special person in my life who stands beside me with pride and pleasure and kindness. I had that with Clo. We had 23 years of learning, giving and receiving from each other. This is my second winter without her and I miss her.

As a Virgo I tend to hold 2 or more visions of most anything in life.   That I simultaneously want a companion and clearly know I want solitude and the life of a single person makes sense to me AND can also make me feel a little bit crazy. Might it be possible to have both? I actually think so if I expand my awareness and acceptance of the bigger picture.   In the first place what I am asking for is a best friend not a day in day out companion. I see that as always the beginning of any further potential intimacy anyway.   Best friends work things out with each other. Best friends take into consideration what is best for both of you. And when what is best for me is time out, time alone, quiet time, doing something significant without the other present or coming along for the ride. That is totally okay because it has been discussed and understood by both. As well, it is perfectly okay to want to be together and share an experience or an event. We can have the best of both worlds, all it takes is someone with whom we can process, plan, and co-create. Sometimes it takes more than just some one. Some things can be spread out and disbursed amongst the crowd if you will. More than one dear and precious friend is truly a gift and to be desired, deserved and treasured. I am learning to celebrate myself and celebrate what I have to offer even as I feel my heart and eyes opening to what I can receive and how luxurious it feels to welcome many dear people into my heart and life.

It is not an addiction to want specialness, nor is it wrong to long for closeness and still want individuation. We can have both wholeness and, as I have said previously, ‘holeness’: using our own two hands to create a full circle can symbolize the wholeness of relationship and friendship and when doing that there is a hole in the in-between. That is where the ‘I’ lives. Together we are whole while still maintaining a hole to be filled with self. Not an addiction at all. Healthy!

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