I Am Learning to Forgive Myself

Time is an interesting thing. It feels like we celebrated the millennial New Year’s Eve just yesterday. Clients thank me for many years of work when it feels like it has only been months; last year there were moments when to me it felt like I was wasting the precious gift of time and accomplishing not much of anything that had value or depth. Now, when I look closely over the past many months, I am in total awe at how much has happened: total redecoration of my kitchen, living room, dining room, and bedroom. HUGE. New furniture, new kitchen, new drapes, new carpets, new dishes, new food on the shelves, new bed spread, new plants, new coffee pot, new kitchen appliances…..new, new, new.  I have also just been told that I now need a new roof on my home. Can’t think of the symbolism, but suspect it is there somewhere!

The yard is unrecognizable. The difficult and exceedingly cold winter killed many of Clo’s lovely plants. I had already had several removed as the garden was just too busy for me. I added my precious red geraniums that Clo would not have liked. She was right. Geraniums do not thrive in our shaded back yard.

I have lost a fair bit of weight and am in the process of getting a new wardrobe. I travelled to the U.S. on several occasions and spent a week in Italy and a week in the Dominican Republic. I have grown my business considerably. I have shared especially important emotional and intimate connections with my family.   I have made new friends, and am learning that some of my old friends no longer fit in my life. I am writing regularly for my blog and have begun to work on putting a book together. I lost my dear friend, Liz. It was a quick and surprising loss. It has taken significant time to grieve her loss and make peace with her very obvious absence in my almost daily life.

I have read, slept, walked with Aimee; cried, grieved, laughed, hugged, talked, written, gone to movies. I have felt scared, lonely, hopeful, excited, angry, hurt, sad, pleased, and disappointed. I have longed for Clo’s companionship and I have snuggled into the comfort of solitude. For an aging introvert, the quiet and absolutely NO pressure or expectations is a gift.

As I go over the year in my mind, I am pleased. There were some very low periods. And there were many times when with joy, I could truly embrace the words, “I LOVE my life

I haven’t yet learned how to swing gracefully from difficult surprises to gratitude. I take loss hard. But I am learning to forgive myself for my mistakes, my weaknesses and my uncertainty. I am being myself, and embracing myself. Through all the ups and downs that time throws my way. I am more and more doing 2, 3, and 4, hour sessions with couples. I frequently do 6 hour sessions. I am being creative, I am being myself with my years of experience and self-knowledge, training and opportunities. As has always been the case, I love my work. I trust you and I can co create time together that will be useful, helpful, supportive, kind, loving and gentle. To say nothing of hopefully life changing.

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