It is totally magnificent and always changing outdoors these days. Sometimes the sun smiles, blue sky looks like blueberries snuggled in the palm of my hand, sometimes the air is chilly, then it rains off and on, and then sun again! I see it as being much like relationships: lovely, loving, playful, smooth, tough, tense, noisy, quiet, hard, smiling, hugs, and lovely once again.
Life is so darn full of ups and downs with straight forward in between. Sometimes we call straight forward, boring. Have you ever noticed how you feel bored or complacent when everything just buzzes along rickety pooh day after day with no change and nothing to look forward to that appears interesting or new or different? We forget how to be grateful for the straight forward times. To not be boring might mean a challenge of some sort, which could be difficult, which has the potential for scary. To be boring might mean being in a rut and that could mean looking for excitement and that could be a good thing or it could just as easily be a wrong thing. Ever changing, always an adventure; we are grateful for and appreciate the joy and peace and balance when in the midst of stress and chaos and overwhelm.
I know, feel, sense, breathe, smell and am enveloped in contrast. My body and soul and heart remember the dark days and nights just as my body and soul and heart are also fully and deeply open to and aware of the beauty of life. Holding simultaneously the knowing that there will always be dark and difficult and there will always be light and beauty helps me trust the former and enjoy the later.
Music cradles my soul, colours are sweet to my eyes, the laughter of a child soothes my heart, and I understand tears at the very core of me. I can feel my breath leave the tip of my nose as I exhale and the air around me moves subtlety, fragrances reach out to me when I walk by a lilac bush and the deliciousness of life covers my skin like silk. I honour life and the blessed life I lived when Clo was with me and now I find myself awed as life unfolds around me without her. I am moved by the differences and relieved that those difference are just fine.
Certainly I was angry, hurt, sad, regretful, disappointed, curious, frightened, surprised, and awe struck…on and on through the past 3 years and more. The first year anniversary of Clo’s death is June 15, 2014. I am not emotionally or physically or spiritually where I was a year ago. I understand better than I have for a long time what she tried to teach me, what I learned, what I gave, and what I still have to learn. I see now how much Clo loved so many others and she was filled with a joy and hope that she shared generously. I am sorry this is what it took for me to see what I see and feel what I feel today. I am sure there are gentler ways to learn to deeply love and appreciate the beauties and gifts of life than to have a partner die. My way is just one of the possibilities. There are tougher ways to learn patience and be mindful of loving than to have your partner die. What comes to me first is a severe accident when quality of life is barely there for the person hurt as well as those who love and care for them. Mastering the art of patience and mindful loving takes courage and persistence when the one we love has limited resources to love in return.
Out of trauma and chaos comes change and growth. Out of a mud hole can come a flower garden, out of the bark of a tree can come an orchid. There is potential for beauty all around us. Aimee stands in a puddle made from water dripping from a yard spout and drinks thirstily. Her innocence as she laps up the water that isn’t hers to drink warms my heart and makes me smile. Never would it occur to her that she was not entitled to this life giving wonder of nature. She teaches me, or probably it is reminds me, that life can be simple, safe, and make sense. It makes sense to drink water that is clean and available. It makes sense that we should learn from both the good and easy times, and the difficult and stressful times in life. It makes sense that there is beauty in our world, the beauty of Aimee’s innocence, and it makes sense that there is danger in our world, the danger of not understanding or being caught off guard. We learn best from contrast. Often we are unable to see the beauty until we also know the danger.
Oh so very important for you and your partner to always remember: When things are tough your unconscious self is telling you that you are ready to learn and grow. Internal change happens when we notice a need for it. Seldom do we notice a need to do anything new or different in the stagnant stages of our lives. We blame life for being boring when we could easily pick ourselves up by the boot straps and welcome something new into our lives. Sadly, and far too often we wait until chaos comes and then blame an unconscious need for change on something or someone else.
Learn together to take responsibility for creating passion, laughter, excitement, curiosity, joy, change, new, different in your family. Do it yourself, when you can be in charge, and don’t wait for the universe to do it for you. Life is about growing and moving toward joy and bliss, safety and love. Make it happen for you. Be in charge. YOU CAN DO IT!!
Sadly, what may have happened with Clo and me is that neither of us spoke to our concerns about what Clo would be able to do with her creative energy and gifts once she completed renovating our home. She was a gifted cabinet maker and remodelled out 1920’s home into an open smoothly flowing 21stcentry home. The designing and the physical work gave her great pleasure. However even before the cancer diagnosis she was increasingly physically unable to do the work. She dreamed of a beautiful kitchen and planned a lovely back yard shed, and wanted to raise our roof and create a great room. But it became clear to both of us she couldn’t do that. We didn’t talk about what she would do instead.
I don’t know how much the potential for lack of purpose and further creative endeavour had to do with her having to give up life but I do suspect it fit into the scheme of things somewhere. I definitely believe we must have a purpose at the end of the day. When we lose our grip on meaning or satisfaction I think we lose our desire to be here. Maybe that is what happened with Clo. I don’t know for sure, but I am curious.