Clo died June 15, 2013. Three times between then and now, I have slid down the slippery slope of depression, fear, grief and loss of hope, which is what depression, fear and grief all add up to: loss of hope. I felt throughout my entire body, soul, heart, spirit, and mind that I was shutting down and leaving. I felt so pained and frightened that the belief that I could find comfort and peace in the world beyond now literally pulled me away from life and into what I thought would be relief and peace. I allowed myself on 3 different occasions to give up and to give myself over to the medical system. What I thought I was doing was giving myself over to another place that I didn’t understand but hoped would hold me. I thought I meant death.
And I was beautifully held, understood and assured by the medical world: I was not dying. I could pull back and be safe in this new world of singlehood that I am slowly and thoroughly creating for myself. Through the love and kindness of medical people, friends, family, and my own spiritual beliefs I chose to pull back from the seductiveness of the world beyond, where I think Clo is trying to untangle herself from me. I believe she sometimes gets as stuck in her world as I do in mine. It is an experience I do not want to have any more. It is giving up and giving over to something so unknown and so new to me that anything this world has to offer in the long run feels better right now. The time will come when it is right and good for me to step behind the veil and join loved ones and ancestors. Not yet. First I need time to share with you my experience of a partner dying. Even as I am of a certain age, I choose to live. Sometimes it feels like a betrayal of her.
Maybe you and I can learn together, find comfort together and share our wisdom with each other: you with me, me with you.
I have a naturopathic doctor and a colleague who are helping Clo and me untangle our much intertwined energy cords that bound us together when she was alive and appear to still be clinging to each of us even now. I pray for her to release me so I can live fully in the now. I pray for me to release her so she can go fully into where she needs to be and is wanted and will be safe and loved. Rest, quiet time, music, walks, love of family and friends, Aimee’s loving presence and warm soft body snuggled close to me or on top of me all contribute to this healing, learning and growing process.
My choosing life is somewhat selfish. Because Clo so longed for her twin who died when they were 4 to come back to her, I think she might like having me follow her into the next world close by her side in a different kind of twin ship. But I am not ready. She was ready to leave me and to leave this world. I still have things to do. I am not certain what they are yet. I will find my way and they will come to me when my eyes are open and my heart is ready. Life brings joy and I want more joy. Life is filled with love and I have a lot of love to give. I will know when my time comes to leave here. I don’t know what is waiting for me. But I do know I am curious and willing to wait as long as it takes to move back into the world of being fully alive and filled with hope and peace.