Death Has Put My World On a Tilt

Loss changes everything. Death has put my world on a tilt. Nothing is grounded or standing where it belongs. Life feels wobbly and sometimes very blurry.

Family visited Labour Day weekend and we had a marvellous time, but I am always aware that Clo isn’t with us. They took good care of me, I was loved, and I was helped. Things got done. Some of those things

I find I didn’t even realize needed doing. Much like Clo did for me for 23 years. She saw what needed doing. I didn’t even notice: the dehumidifier wasn’t working, there was a loose tile on the kitchen floor, the oven was not working (now I really do need a new stove), the front tire of the car needed to be sealed and so on. In all of the help I received throughout the week, it brought to mind how much Clo used to see the things I just never saw.

I was exhausted when they left, not sated like I have been in the past. Instead I felt weary. Aware that my world has totally changed, I am recreating, or trying to but have very little idea what that really means. What will my home look like? Where is HOME? What do I want to do (if anything) to change the way I live? What do I like to do? Questions I probably know how to answer but can’t find the answer for right now. It all eludes me.

I can’t find home. Home is where you fit and belong. It’s where you feel loved and wanted and connected. I don’t know where mine is. I shared Clo’s home and made her home mine. Now I am making our home mine. It is a slow and painful process.

As I search for home, it occurs to me that my experience can be helpful to others of you who are searching for the place you feel loved and you love, the place where you belong and the place where you can find safety. I am right in the middle of totally understanding the recreating and building process. Whether you are single or in a relationship that has recently taken a big hit, building anew takes courage, tenacity, wisdom and creativity, to say nothing of team with someone who understands as best they are able to do.

I find as I guide and facilitate other couples through their pain and discouragement, I am able to soothe and comfort and reassure myself that my life too in transitioning into a full rich life of peace, harmony and hope. My hope is to find solid ground upon which I can stand and build a new normal for myself Hope has sent out a beacon of light for me to follow. Hope holds a place of light that I cannot yet vision, have not yet dreamed, but have faith is waiting for me.

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