Once upon a time there was a little girl who played with the fairies and elves underneath her mother’s beautiful antique dining room table, with a white linen cloth covering the table and providing quiet space for the adventures below. Sometimes she preferred to go out in the back yard and play under pear trees and plum trees her mother had long ago planted. She found the perfect place for reflection, adventure, imagination, meditation, time out, whatever name it might be called by others. For her it was, “Being with My People.”
Even as an adult she/I need time away to reflect and go inside myself. Often I call it, “Being with myself.” Much like what I learned to do as a child. I don’t go under the dining room table anymore but I do head for the trees. Aimee and I walk in the cemetery. And I think. I talk within myself. I process and try to make sense out of myself and my life. I ask myself critical questions like: “Who am I?”, “Where do I belong?” Who loves me?” What helps me feel secure?”
Yes, Clo has cancer and I continue to have heart rate challenges. AND….there IS more in life! I WILL live life outside of the struggle. Fighting against what is, is useless. Moving with it, around it, and through it, is empowering. Sometimes I collapse into a surreal place where I feel very strange and out of place. A place that feels like I have no control and no clue how to be in charge again. Staying there for any length of time is not a good thing for me to do.
A very dear friend has recently helped me name how I get myself out of the place where I am struggling and no good is coming from it: she says that I go to my spiritual place and Aimee is my spirit guide. And that is true. There are two things I intentionally do to keep myself grounded and in a REAL place: read on the futon with Aimee sleeping on my stomach; or play with Aimee at the cemetery. Both options bring me into my joy and I inevitably once again find peace and hope. I believe Aimee reminds me to stay in the NOW, her love brings me pure joy. She comforts me literally with the warmth and life in her body, and she heals me with her love.
There has to be room in your relationship for you to be able to retreat without shame but with encouragement; without blame or being criticized, but with understanding. You deserve to receive that time and your relationship needs you to realize how much your partner also deserves time out. Did you have a dining room table to go to as a child? Find a space in your current life that can take you to that reflective place and embrace it.