I am beginning to make sense out of the past several years of my life. My frame – work is Imago and Abraham. They are compatible and resonate with me. I am finding vibrational harmony, as Abraham would say.
Clo said her dilemma is to figure out how to simultaneously live life fully while preparing for death. When I heard her say that, my heart ached and I longed to help her. As I write it now, I am struck by the truth that we are all always in that very exact dilemma. We must all prepare in some way for the truth that our existence will change shape, form and purpose. At the same time, we must go fully out into the world and fill our soul with joy and life. That is Clo’s challenge right now: to fill herself full of joy and life. I so can see how difficult that is to do when one is sad and heavy emotionally and tired and in pain physically. Where is the joy in that?
Sad news, though not unexpected. The oncologist today emphasized that Clo has advanced cancer and we should plan the next while accordingly. He said something after that, but I forget! It had to do with having some fun and doing the things you’ve always dreamed of but maybe going back to Europe is not for this life time. He said none of us get to do all we hope to do. He did not say how long to anticipate “the next while” to be. We are both sad. Clo is sleeping now. I already slept for a while.
Why am I such a grump and such a poop? Today, we learned there is good news all around for Clo. And yet, I am exhausted. I think it might well be relief highly combined with disbelief
Truly believing Clo had only weeks to live, I am grateful that she has rallied forth a bit and is home from the hospital. This morning she showered, dressed beautifully, watered the garden, and went shopping with her sisters. Tonight she is tired of course.
Clo is in the hospital. I have no idea for how long. She isn’t eating, drinks little. She is exhausted, very head achy, nauseous. She has a terrible metallic taste in her mouth, pain in liver, legs, knees and shoulders. Generally speaking, totally miserable. I learned about ambulances: hire a private one unless you want to go to the nearest emergency room. We sure didn’t want to do that. We had a bed waiting for us at Princess Margaret Hospital on the 16th Floor and no stops between here and there were going to delay us! It worked wonderfully well to have private ambulance company take care of us.
I am tired but I am not as filled with dread as I have been so many times when my heart was scaring me. What is being done to Clo’s body is horrific. I am so very, very sorry. I try to share some of the load as best I am able, but there really is no, or at least very little, sharing that can be done. She always knows she is filled with cancer. She realizes the extent, and mostly she focuses on something else. She told me today if she wakes up at night feeling alone and frightened, she will wake me. I am glad.
I AM HAPPY! How can that be true? And yet, it IS true. In another moment, or another day, that may change but now, I am happy and it is important to take the time to celebrate that. Clo and I planned a trip to France. I was sick when we decided to go. I was not at all sure I wanted to go. I froze when I got there and then became even sicker. The memory of this trip will always be clouded by illness, though we did manage to have a good time despite our respective sicknesses. Clo was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer just 11 days after we returned to Canada. It makes sense she was less than fully herself during our trip to France. Since coming home a LOT has happened.
Once upon a time there was a little girl who played with the fairies and elves underneath her mother’s beautiful antique dining room table, with a white linen cloth covering the table and providing quiet space for the adventures below. Sometimes she preferred to go out in the back yard and play under pear trees and plum trees her mother had long ago planted. She found the perfect place for reflection, adventure, imagination, meditation, time out, whatever name it might be called by others. For her it was, “Being with My People.”
Off to the cardiologist. I’m hoping he can help me better understand my tiredness. I am content to read and sleep, see clients, read, and sleep. Although January and February are the months for that and I have been known to say that bears have the right idea! My dream to hibernate for three months is a little concerning to me so I hope my doctor will be able to offer some clarity. The world keeps calling me out of hibernation. The world of cancer expects a lot. Clo can’t drive, so although I was not driving much in the city a few months ago, I drive a lot now and don’t mind a bit. It helps me feel like I know my city well and I am in charge of my life. Though cancer suggests I am not in charge at all!