November 22, 2010
From: “Nancy Ross”
Date: July-25-10 11:38 AM
I wrote this last summer amidst heat and impending summer storms. It was about 1 week post # 8 cardio version. I want to share it because I think it is honest and hopeful. Today I celebrate 5 months of sinus rhythm and a healing sense of my strength and character.
In Celebration of Being Grumpy
Maybe celebration is a strong word… but in respect of being grumpy…or … No I really think celebration is where I am right now!
I am grumpy. I don’t want anyone to take it away from me and sure as fishes don’t want anyone to jolly me out of it. I don’t even need anyone to pretend otherwise. Truth be told: I am grumpy.
I don’t know why. Why should I tell you even if I did? It is MY grumpy. I hold it close. Cherish it. Protect it.
There is no sensible reason I can think of for me to be grumpy. Is it the weather? Well, duh, everyone is attempting to survive this heat and humidity. The difference is I make up most folks are trying to do it with Grace. I prefer doing it with Donald. Donald was the boy in third grade who frowned, grunted, snapped, slouched, and picked his nose. Nobody got close to him. So while I am grumpy, best not get close to me. I might snap at you.
Writing like this is supposed to be therapeutic. I am supposed to be able to shift gears. That is why I am bothering to do this at all: to shift gears. All that has shifted is that rather than grump on the computer, I think I will go back to bed and be a grump in bed. It feels cozy to grump in bed. Before I go to bed I think I will get a cup of the lovely coffee Clo makes. Maybe stick a batch of clothes in the washer. Then I can grump and feel like I am accomplishing something worthwhile, like keeping us looking spiffy in our spotless clothes while I continue to be grumpy.
Hang on there! Hang on just a darn minute!! Just because I said “lovely coffee” and “spiffy…spotless clothes”, words that sort of slide a titch away from grumpy, doesn’t mean I have any plans whatsoever to stop grump from living in my world right now. He and I need each other for a while longer. (Wonder why I think grump is a he? Donald, I guess.)
Grumpy gives me an excuse for solitude. Who in the name of all that is cozy, wants to snuggle up to a grump?
I had the coffee and a croissant with strawberry preserves. Good. Clo had a big male French friend over and they talked French. I grumped. He left. Clo started to feed Aimee some sausage she was eating. I grumped. I put the clothes in the washer and a batch in the dryer and came back upstairs to sleep, read and grump. Not grumpy at the moment, but I haven’t been with people either. That helps. Friends are coming this evening. I hope I don’t grump myself out of friends.
I’m scared. I’m too tired. God if I am not in sinus rhythm what will I do? I can’t live like this for 25 more years. It is boring. Grumpy is boring. Tired is boring. Scared is boring. I don’t know who else to ask for help. I am out of resources. I know my answers are inside of me. But when I look inside I only find silence. And maybe fear. I wish the storm would go away. Part of me thinks my bio rhythms are in sync with the atmosphere and we are struggling together. I am reflecting the unrest of the elements. My heart’s vibration is out of rhythm with me and following the rage and raggedness of the wind instead of following my body’s rhythm. I reach for the thunder. Lightening will give me relief. Storm, please storm and let go of my heart. Give it back to me. I need it for the life I still have ahead of me. I want to live fully, in richness and joy. I move toward peace, harmony and the love of life, friends, Clo, Aimee, family, all that is.
I am going to rest. Not because I am tired but because I am sad. My tears and the earth’s rain will mix and the planet will heal and I will thrive. The earth will thrive as well.
I’ve rested. It is raining. The angels are crying because I am frightened. Do not fear, they say to me. You are safe and you are loved. The crying angels tell me I can be healed. Friends will be here soon. Aimee and I will love a bit before they arrive.
Grumpy has been my faithful companion today. I appreciate the gift of solitude and acceptance he gave me. I celebrate. I lived today and will tomorrow and many more tomorrows. Grumpy said so.