People often experience intense feelings on the anniversary of something significant in their lives. I have always honoured that and recognized the importance of pausing in this busy life to remember the death of someone loved, a birthday, the time when an illness hit or was recovered from, a special trip or treat or encounter. Anniversaries can be a myriad of things, both delightful and difficult.
I think our memory cells are miraculous and mysterious. I think we can be in the midst of a forgotten anniversary, and our physical self will remind us. We find ourselves surprised, awed, feeling very reverent. That’s what happened to me.
A year ago today I faced death head on. Death didn’t want me. I saw a huge black cement wall. No light, no color, no sounds. Black silence. I begged for safety. I longed for arms to reach out to me through the veil. I returned to a beautiful, magical, challenging and exciting world and found myself facing life with new force and determination. I made my dreams of working in Vienna, Kuwait, and possibly France begin to come true. I won’t turn back. I only go forward.
I had a mystical experience a few days ago. Something I long ago as a very young woman first became aware could happen to me when someone I loved who was geographically far away was in emotional or physical extremity. The first few hours of the day I felt I was in what I have come to call a psychic web.
The most notable time this happened to me in the past I found myself feeling pulled and tugged at in a spiritual and psychic way that I find difficult to explain effectively. I was not grounded. I felt spacey if you will. My energy and my focus were not of this reality or this world. Instead I seemed to float into a space where I found myself unable to communicate or even function very well. I spent time here as my mother prepared to die and then for some time after she did die. An unseen and unknown power takes me over and I can’t pull out of it. I find myself exhausted and unable to function. I am not of this world. It was not until I talked with my mother’s care taker and learned that my mother was dying and best I come quickly that I was able to move out of the place of ennui I was experiencing and function in the day to day world again. I believe my mother’s soul and love were reaching out to me and it was time for us to hold each other for the last time.
The psychic web I experienced most recently led me back to bed with my clothes on and with Aimee in my arms. I surrendered to the ennui. I drifted. I dreamed. I don’t think I slept. The only memory I returned with was of multi-coloured star dust floating down all around me. I loved the colours.
When I “woke” my energy had shifted somewhat. I spent most of the day feeling distant and tender, but somewhat in control of myself. I then realized it was the first year anniversary of the death of the partner of a dear person in my life. I thought I was caught in my friend’s pain and anguish. I wondered if I left this world to be with her just briefly. Then I wondered, who might I have left my world to be with, my friend or her partner? And I realized it didn’t matter. I am learning to need fewer words to express what I feel and to have more compassion for the truth that I am experiencing something powerful that has meaning even if I am not certain what that meaning might be.
I don’t fully understand what happened. But I don’t need to. I am learning to appreciate, not feel embarrassed, and welcome those times of being caught in what I call a psychic web. I trust I have much I can learn while there. The more I honour what is happening and choose to not fight the pull but to lean into it and follow the power, the more I will understand. Out of the understanding I think will come the possibility of expanding my conscious awareness. I want a greater consciousness of where I am, where I am going, maybe even some clues as to what I might find when I get there.
I am not aware of having control when I get caught in this strange energetic place that seems to take over whether I want it to or not. I am aware of trusting spiritually I am picking up something that matters and that has meaning. I am aware that it may take time for me to understand and find the meaning. I trust the part I have to play in this experience is that I am allowing an energy I do not fully understand to impact me. It feels bigger than me and benevolent. This past year has been a year for me of learning to let go, learning to trust my process and surrendering to the universe. I have experienced safety and love and as long as I hold on tight to the memory of this, I know I can find wisdom far greater than anything I have known thus far in my life journey.
I have never again seen or felt that huge black cement wall. But I find myself remembering what it looked like and how I felt and I see my ancestors who have preceded me laughing at me and loving me and waiting for me. Remembering that wall reminds me that I have more to do here and helps keep me on the alert to find what those things might be. But most of all that experience when I so wanted to leave this world and find someplace easier and safer provides me with hope that I will be welcomed when it is really time to leave this place of existence.